Shit my dad said...

When the family was huddled around the TV watching circus performers, gymnasts or figure skaters:

"Ha! You think they have to get up at 5 a.m. and work construction?"

As if anyone could perform a triple somersault on the flying trapeze if not for other commitments.


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BP spills coffee

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Q & A's from around the web

I'm a fat dude. Is it possible to get a skinny girl?

"to get" as in capture?


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That's how we fix it

I did a double take when I saw this commercial for the first time. I literally laughed out loud and then chuckled for the next two days every time I thought about it. Listen to them laughing at the end. It's as if the characters themselves can't help but laugh at the absurdity of it all. It's one of my all-time favourites.





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KFC set to unleash bunless Double Down sandwich on America

First there was the Double Big Mac. Then came the Baconator. Now KFC is triumphantly laying claim to the World's meatiest and - in our opinion - most nutritionally-challenged sandwich. Their recipe? Two strips of bacon, two slices of cheese and a healthy dollop of the Colonel's Sauce all sandwiched between (insert drum roll please) two thick and juicy filets of deep-fried chicken. That's right, this sandwich is so serious it doesn't need a bun.

The whole story.

How long before the U.S. government starts spying on KFC patrons so as to disqualify them from health insurance?







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Could you use a chuckle?

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time
on the right feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,

'Why didn't you say so?', like she wanted to. Once again, she
struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little
feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.


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Q & A's from around the web

Can alcohol kill a fresh herpes virus?

Booze is probably responsible for you getting it in the first place. And quite possibly in the second place.


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Born that way

Even very young children exhibit innate characteristics of their sex. Here are a couple of examples of such behaviours.




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Q & A's from around the web

Is it OK to scruff my rat?
I know it is OK to scruff (pick up by the scruff) baby rats, but is it OK to pick up my 13-14oz male rat Stuart by the scruff? Will it hurt him? I didn't think it would, but just to be sure...

For a moment there, I thought I learned a new euphemism.

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Funnier then werds

Let's face it--English is butchered every second of every day on iPhones, Blackberries and the internet. But, every once in a while, I come across some spelling or grammar that demands special mention. I just saw the following...

when i get through with them they minus well die

The context indicates that this person meant to say "they might as well die". I'm guessing she also failed math.

Canadian humour

An RCMP officer stops at a ranch up in Iron Mountain, B.C. and talks with

the old ranch owner.

He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown

drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of

the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and

removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See

this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish..on any

land. No questions asked or

answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the RCMP officer

running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.. With every

step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The officer is clearly

terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and

yells at the top of his lungs.....'Your badge! Show him your f***ing

badge!'

Funnier then werds

A comment on a stock market article:

dude there is standing rule in the market over the time (no buddy knows)

I see unfunny people

They don't know they're unfunny. They just walk around like regular people.

I recently watched a TV show that purported to list the "top ten most amazing comedy teams". When they reached number seven in the count-down and failed to mention even one of the true best comedy teams, I wondered if a) they were only listing people who were still alive, and or b) were saving the best for the top honours. But then they mentioned Jack Lemon and Walter Mathau (both deceased). I squirmed uneasily and continued watching.

They mentioned two or three people whom I had never heard of as one half of several teams and when they chose Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi as the number one team, I almost had a heart attack. I wish I had had one before they assaulted my senses with their ridiculous list.

With all due respect to some of their choices, how can anyone who has a modicum of understanding and exposure to comedy exclude ALL of the following comedy teams?

Abbot and Costello
Laurel and Hardy
The Three Stooges
The Marx Brothers
The Smothers Brothers
Martin and Lewis

The kicker to this sick story is that in describing one of the teams, the narrator compared them to "a modern-day Laurel and Hardy". If such a comparison is so flattering, how do you justify not having Laurel and Hardy in the list??? Do you realize how many people are involved in putting together a TV show? Hundreds. And this is the best all those comedy geniuses could come up with? Puhlease.

If you haven't seen this, there's still time to win the "grand" prize. Submit your guess, today!

Q & A's from around the web

What are the causes and effects of teacher retentions?

Probably too much salt in the diet.

Q & A's from around the web

What is the best dialogue to make someone happy within 1 minuets ?

Even without dialogue, listening to 1 minuet is usually enough to make me happy. :)