Sweet Nothings

I want to talk about something that has been bugging my ass for some time. Literally. I'd like to know whose idea it was to replace the soft, fabric tags on underwear with plastic ones. This guy (or gal) should be forced to wear his product until the day (s)he dies. By that time, death would be welcomed, I'm sure. You never even knew you had a tag on your arse before, but these new tags make it impossible to sit, stand or move around without the damn tag scratching you raw.

If you're lucky enough to not know w-t-h I'm talking about, these little plastic tags are on the inside of underwear, both underpants and undershirts and contain things like size, washing instructions, etc. The problem is that each time these things go through a wash and dry cycle, they shrink and dry out and become brittle and jagged almost like pieces of glass--not the best material to have chafing the back of your neck or the back of your ass. Whether your ass has a back is a subject for another day.

As if paying to be viscously maimed isn't bad enough, it's almost impossible to remove these blasted tags--at least after they've been through the dryer. They must use glue more powerful than Superglue. God forbid a tag may actually come loose after a few years of wear. Clearly, the manufacturer wanted to make sure at all costs that they'd never be named in a suit for the serious charge of "unlawful displacement of an underwear tag".

One day when I had a few hours to kill, I managed to remove the three or four tags off of one pair of underwear. The problem, though, is that it is my custom to buy four to six pairs of underwear whenever I decide it's time to top up my supply, so I'm stuck with having to store my "valuables" close to these dangerous devices for the foreseeable future.

Are you listening Hanes? I'll be happy to forget the whole sordid affair for a few multi-packs (size S, according to the impression currently on my butt) of the wonderful underwear I've been buying with your name on them ever since I can remember...provided they are of the "classic" design. When it comes to tags, I'd prefer sweet nothings.


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