You meet the most interesting characters...

...on Yahoo Pool. The following is not the middle of a "conversation". It is posted in its entirety. (Lines that start with "***" are made by Yahoo. The first one was right after I won the game.)

johnbradleywallace: weak
vinnythehack: What do you mean?
johnbradleywallace: i run your shit bitch
vinnythehack: You should get more roughage in your diet.
johnbradleywallace: you should actually play
johnbradleywallace: instead of cheat
johnbradleywallace: fuckin mark
vinnythehack: You have me confused with someone else. I'm Vinny.
*** vinnythehack's old rating: 1593, new rating: 1602
*** johnbradleywallace's old rating: 1419, new rating: 1410
*** vinnythehack has booted johnbradleywallace from the table.

Q & A's from around the web

What does it mean if a hotel sales manager position is asking for S.M.E.R.F. sales experience?

They want to know if you have ever sold anything to tiny, little blue people.

Who writes this stuff?

Australian school may backflip on cartwheel ban

SYDNEY (Reuters Life!) – An Australian school which recently banned its students from doing cartwheels, somersaults and other gymnastics during recess is reviewing the decision after parents and students got all bent out of shape.

Story

It's official

After scouring the headlines looking for either an interesting story to comment on or a spark that might trigger me to write something original, it appears that nothing the least bit exciting has happened in the entire world, today. I thought about making a joke about the rumour that Cher, at age 61 or 62 depending on which rag you read, is touted to play the next Catwoman in the upcoming Batman movie, but how many "old" jokes can one make without being totally boring? Besides, because of the large number of ageing baby boomers, being old is getting to be--dare I say it?...cool. Madonna is/has just started another world tour and those Rolling Stones just keep er, um, rolling along.

I know. I just made a column out of nothing.

Q & A's from around the web

how can I get to work with Microsoft Outlook??

I know the price of gas is high, but I'm not sure you can e-mail yourself to work.

Here's a treat for Beatles fans

Beatles Hey Jude Rehearsal

New World Edition Monopoly game

Does anyone else find the new World Edition Monopoly game board conspicuous? First of all, I had to look up "Gdynia". Sure, it's the cheapest property on the board, but why is it on there at all when cities like Los Angeles, Chicago and Rio de Janeiro are absent? Riga is the second-most expensive property, the best-kept secret among jet-setters...I guess. I might understand if China had two cities on the board, but three??? I've saved the most bizarre aspect for last.

Canada, a country so small in population that it barely surpasses the city of Tokyo, is the only country represented on the board besides China with more than one city--and it has not two cities, but three! Lastly, the coveted "Boardwalk" location is now occupied by Montreal, one of the least important cities in Canada. I'm not sure if it's still shrinking in size, but people are running away from Montreal faster than the residents around the recent huge propane facility explosion in Toronto were.

Here's a look at the properties on the new board in descending order of value:

Q & A's from around the web

Say I'm a butcher by profession and I set up my shop to allow people to watch me butcher my animals if they wish.....Would I be able to dress up one of my pigs in a cop uniform and butcher it in front of a crowd of people without worrying about any legal problems?

Only with the consent of the pig.

CRACK!!!

That was the sound of a baseball leaving the park.

Which Major League Baseball team recently swept the Boston Red Sox, spanking them 15-4 in one game and then in the following series against the New York Yankees, took two of three, humiliating the Bronx Bombers 14-3 in the rubber match? The birds, of course. No, not the Orioles. The Toronto Blue Jays.

Now that post season play is virtually out of reach, they give us something to cheer about. We dare not even consider the playoffs. You just know that the second it becomes even imaginable, they will promptly let us down. This comes from intense conditioning over a long period of time. It is still fresh in this fan's mind that recently, Toronto was swept by the worst team in baseball--the Cleveland Mariners.

Still, a sound thrashing of Boston or the (hated) Yankees is always fun to watch.

The Toronto Zoo

The Toronto Zoo opened in 1974 and is open every day except Christmas day. Encompassing 287 hectares (710 acres), the Toronto Zoo is the third largest in the world. It is divided into six zoogeographic regions: Indo-Malaya, Africa, the Americas, Australasia, Eurasia and the Canadian Domain. Animals are displayed indoors in tropical pavilions and outdoors in naturalistic environments, with viewing at many levels. It also has a children Zoo, Waterside Theatre and a Splash Island. The zoo is home to over 16,000 animals (including invertebrates and fish) representing over 491 distinct species.

Between 1980 and 1984 several new exhibits were added to the Zoo, including an indoor habitat for African Elephants, Snow Leopards and the Indian Rhinoceros Pavilion, as well as the official opening of the Zoomobile.

In 1985, Qinn Qinn and Shayan - a pair of Giant Pandas, on loan for three months from China were displayed at the Zoo. The Zoo broke all previous attendance records, as thousands of visitors came to see these rare animals. Over the years, the Zoo has presented other rare or unusual animals, including: Golden Monkeys (1986), Koalas (1988 and again in 1996), and White Lions (1995).

On May 16 2008, Stingray Bay opened. This interactive exhibit allows the public to touch, feel, and feed LIVE stingrays.

(Click on images to enlarge.)






A visitor from north Toronto relaxes by the monkey exhibit.



Above, is a fatty...with a pretty lady on top of her.

The above has nothing to do with the zoo, but I came across it and decided to show off my fair Toronto. For perspective, the tall office tower on the right is 72 stories tall. When the moon passes close enough, people on the highest observation deck of the CN Tower are encouraged by staff to jump onto it.

Below is the newest and one of the most popular zoo exhibits. These mermaids do "tricks" for food.



Above is an old girlfriend during one of her more reflective moments. When they warned me she was a man-eater, I had no idea...

Damn, if that hippo doesn't look like a dachshund with a thyroid condition.



Here, a polar bear watches amusedly as humans perform for him.

War Drums

Damascus — Despite fierce opposition from the United States, Iran and Syria signed an agreement on Wednesday to place an Iranian missile defense base on Syrian territory.

The Israeli government has leveled sustained criticism against the Syrian plan, characterizing it as a hostile act near the Israeli border. But Syrian officials insist that the system will defend against threats from countries like The United States and would not target Israel.

“Missile defense, of course, is aimed at no one,” said Iranian Vice President Mohammad Reza Aref, who signed the agreement in Damascus with his Syrian counterpart, Prime Minister Naji al-Otari . “It is in our defense that we do this.”

Editor's note: I'm just curious--does the following news item give you a different sense at all?...

WARSAW — Despite fierce opposition from Moscow, the United States and Poland signed a long-stalled agreement on Wednesday to place an American missile defense base on Polish territory.

The Kremlin has leveled sustained criticism against the American plan, characterizing it as a hostile act near the Russian border. But American officials insist that the system will defend against threats from countries like Iran and would not target Russia.

“Missile defense, of course, is aimed at no one,” said Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, who signed the agreement in Warsaw with her Polish counterpart, Foreign Minister Radek Sikorski. “It is in our defense that we do this.”

Magpies are no bird-brains

LONDON (Reuters) – Magpies can recognize themselves in a mirror, highlighting the mental skills of some birds and confounding the notion that self-awareness is the exclusive preserve of humans and a few higher mammals.

It had been thought only chimpanzees, dolphins and elephants shared the human ability to recognize their own bodies in a mirror.

But German scientists reported on Tuesday that magpies -- a species with a brain structure very different from mammals -- could also identify themselves.

Full Story

What an utter waste of research money. It's been well-known by many of us who were around in the 60's that magpies are very intelligent, industrious birds.

A very attractive girl

...in the TV commercial for an insurance company says "Call me for a free quote."

What, exactly, is a free quote? Are some insurance companies charging for a quote? Imagine this concept applied to other businesses...

You walk into a candy store, browse around for a minute and then ask:

"How much per pound are these?"

The crotchety, old man says "$8.99".

You say "Thanks" and look around a bit more. You don't see anything that interests you, so you walk toward the door.

"Ahem...that'll be 45 cents, please!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You're in the dentist's chair and you mention you've been thinking about getting veneers. He reaches into a drawer and shows you photos of clients who got the work done and gives you a ball park figure. He adds $35 to your invoice.

Next, I'm going to research how much companies who do not give "a free gift" charge for their gifts.

Canada set to win the World Cup of Soccer 2010

Well, you'd think so if you listened to some of the current crop of players. Let's have some perspective, guys. Canada has only once even qualified for World Cup play. Ever. So, where's all the optimism coming from?

In preliminary qualifying, the "Super Canucks" positively destroyed their opponent, outscoring them 7-1 in two games. Who was this formidable opponent that succumbed to the mighty Canadians? St. Vincent. Yes, you read correctly. But let's not forgot that St. Vincent also includes The Sardines--I mean The Grenadines. For those unfamiliar with the soccer powerhouse, St. Vincent and the Grenadines is an island nation of 118,000 inhabitants situated in the Caribbean.

With high unemployment and people emigrating away, it's impressive that they can even put eleven players together. At last count, there were about 22,000 telephone lines. Dollars to doughnuts says the coach couldn't get in touch with some of the players to inform them of the upcoming games. The second largest country in the world has good reason to strut like the cock of the walk.

Go Canada!

Note: Canada's next game is in two days time against an equally considerable opponent--Jamaica. Team Canada should have an easy go of it as long as the Jamaicans have a good, healthy dose of the local herbal elixir before the game.

Q & A's from around the web

My neck is often sore, probably from sleeping in a funny position. How do I avoid it and secondly, how can I relieve the pain quickest?

Lie on your back and rub it.

How's that going to help my neck?

Frustration Squared

When attempting to to look at my account standing on a particular site, I get the following error messages:

Microsoft VBScript runtime error '800a005b'
Object variable not set
/includes/common.inc, line 1743

When I try to report the above problem through their help facility, I get the following error, but only after I waste my time filling in a ton of information and clicking on "Submit":

CDO.Message.1 error '80040213'
The transport failed to connect to the server.
/support/supportVerify.asp, line 71

Q & A's from around the web

Why do vacuum cleaners usually have lights on the front, do they expect you to vacuum at night?

It's so that oncoming vacuums can see you approaching.

its to warn the cockroaches

Rain delay

...prompted an airing of "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?"

I believe it was in about grade four that I learned that a blue whale is the largest animal in the world. Apparently, some people think the tiny elephant is the largest. His fifth grader classmate saved him.

I can understand the confusion:

Scientists closer to developing invisibility cloak

WASHINGTON – Scientists say they are a step closer to developing materials that could render people and objects invisible. Researchers have demonstrated for the first time they were able to cloak three-dimensional objects using artificially engineered materials that redirect light around the objects.

Previously, they only have been able to cloak very thin two-dimensional objects.

The findings, by scientists at the University of California, Berkeley, led by Xiang Zhang, are to be released later this week in the journals Nature and Science.

The new work moves scientists a step closer to hiding people and objects from visible light, which could have broad applications, including military ones.

People can see objects because they scatter the light that strikes them, reflecting some of it back to the eye. Cloaking uses materials, known as metamaterials, to deflect radar, light or other waves around an object, like water flowing around a smooth rock in a stream.

The research was funded in part by the U.S. Army Research Office and the National Science Foundation's Nano-Scale Science and Engineering Center.

Below is Xinag Zhang and his research team working in their lab.

How's this for a twist of irony?

I took some pasta al forno to my lawyer friend today, and as it turned out, she had brought in some veggies from her garden to the office, of which she gave me a sample. Never has a woman given me her zucchini! Me, who is known in some circles as Vinny Zucchini, got "squashed" by a woman! She's one sweet tomato, I can tell you that.

Shhh...do you hear that sound?

That silence is the sound of Canadian athletes not receiving their gold medals. Did I say "gold medals"? I meant "medals" period. Once again, Canada is showing the world our metal, as in determination to win. As a proud Canadian, I must cower in shame every four years as my beloved country tries very hard, but is shown to just not quite be good enough to compete with the world's best. It has been the better part of a week since The Games started and we have yet to win a medal of any hue.

This is yet another example of why Canadians are not taken very seriously in the world. We never make any damn noise! Canada is best known as a quiet and clean place. A place with free health care and where polar bears have the run of the place. This is our claim to fame. Very meaningful this is to an avid sports fan.

As one can imagine, this kind of "sports excellence" isn't restricted to The Olympic Games. It is a national trait. Across this big country, we are "blessed" with mediocrity in sport. Nothing can serve as a better example than The Toronto Maple Leafs. I have been carrying the torch for this team who last won the Stanley Cup back in 1967 when I was a young lad of 13 watching with eyes as big as saucers and beaming with pride. It was the Buds' fourth championship in six years. Back then we were used to winning. Fast forward back to the future...

Every Olympics, I watch in embarrassment praying for medal wins for our young athletes who work so hard and dedicate their lives to their particular event(s)--medals that prove time and time again to be as elusive as trying to catch butterflies with your bare hands. Well, at least they can get free health care if they over-extend themselves and get hurt. Snicker.

We lost a good one

I have just learned of the passing of Bernie Mac. What a shock. The man was only 50 years old--younger than I, when he succumbed to pneumonia in hospital this past Saturday. Many people are funny, as Bernie most definitely was, but Bernie was a genuinely nice guy, born into poverty in Chicago, did well for himself, chose not to go to Hollywood and was married for 30 years. RIP, Bernie

Here's to my sweet Satan

When I was growing up listening to hard rock, I never paid much attention to rumours of Satanic messages contained in such songs when played backwards. For one thing, my record player (and my 8-track) didn't play backwards. Anyway, in my meanderings this evening, I came across one such story. Wikipedia was good enough to contain a sound clip for me to judge for myself. I found it fascinating that so many consecutive words sound very much like actual words. Listen for yourself:

Click Here

Mackerel! Fresh Mackerel!

One recent Friday, I was remarking to a friend that I was rushing off to buy some fresh fish at my favourite supermarket before it was picked over. Upon quick reflection, I caught myself and corrected it to "fresher" fish.

My arrival proved my point as I surveyed tag after tag indicating "Previously Frozen". We race to the supermarket in order to have the pick of "fresher" fish--previously frozen fish that isn't quite as gnarly as other fish that isn't fresh, either. It's a reflection of the times we live in, is it not? If you're over 40, you probably remember the ma and pa fish store that your mom would visit and get really fresh fish--only fresh fish. It was very recently that you could at least get fresh fish on Thursdays, the typical delivery day ahead of the traditional Friday Fresh Fish Fest. No longer.

"Fresh fish" reminds me of the birth (pun intended) of the term "safe sex" and the soon thereafter coining of "safer sex" as it became evident that we could no longer get "fresh" sex, either...especially if one were gay. Not that I am. And not that there's anything wrong with that.

Speaking of fruits...have you ever noticed that much of the fruit you buy today from peaches to melons are hard as rocks? In the never-ending quest for bigger and bigger profits, corporations, which now own just about the entire food retail market, are having produce picked before it is ripe so that wastage through spoilage is reduced. It seems we can't get much "fresh" fruit anymore, either.

On the bright side, we can now get fresh news thanks to the internet. However, since half a billion people are blogging their own brand of news, it tends to be watered down, these days, like drinks in many bars, these days...and like sports with the ever-increasing number of franchises, these days...and...

Rice Denies White House Ordered Forged Letter

Well, if she denies it, it must not be true...

Click Here

I made a tomato

Tonight, I enjoyed my first apartment-grown tomato. I hadn't grown anything since losing my home (and garden) to the ravages of divorce and other factors. Back when I was an avid gardener, I used to grow as many as 30 or more different vegetables--yes, my garden was huge. Anyway, I used to say it then and I was just reminded of it--home grown tomatoes are almost like a different vegetable when compared to store-bought. The colour, texture and flavour is incomparable, mine possessing a deeper, richer, red colour, meatier texture and like I alluded, a taste that absolutely excites the taste buds.

I wouldn't necessarily recommend growing tomatoes indoors, though. This was my first try at doing so and it was rife with obstacles and the yield will be extremely scanty. It never occurred to me that I need to manually pollinate the plant (nature never figured that one day mammals would attempt to garden indoors, I guess) until most of the blooms had sprouted and faded. I had to move the plant several times a day in order to expose it to sufficient sunlight and nature also didn't help out in the watering department, forcing me to keep a watchful eye and act accordingly.

Still, the act of slowly and lovingly nurturing something and watching it flourish into a beautiful thing was very rewarding. Eating the son-of-a-bitch was even more rewarding. It's pretty much the same with rearing children--except without the rewarding part.

Stay tuned for my recipe for "tomato and cucumber salad".

Shazzam!

There is an amusement park that is open 24/7, 365 days a year. The queue for their best ride, Shazzam!, is more or less constant and the average wait time is one hour. Still, people can't resist it's allure. The ride itself lasts five minutes (including two minutes for collecting tickets and safely securing and disembarking passengers). There is only one man servicing passengers. In any given period, the same number of people exit the ride as join the line waiting to get on. Occasionally, the line increases or decreases a bit but not dramatically so.

One day, Freddie, the ride operator, had an idea. He figured that since the line moves pretty well at a constant rate, the reason there is an hour wait is due to the constant backlog. So, he went to management and explained "If you put another man on the job to help me with the passengers until there is no queue left, I could then maintain the same pace as now--same number coming as going, and never have anyone wait longer than the five minutes it takes to operate the ride."

Management agreed and hired a temp for Freddie. Sure enough, within a few days, the line had dwindled, the temp was sent on his way (hopefully to do some equally helpful job) and the ride was operating smoothly. Well, you can guess what happened next. As word spread of the decreased wait time, more and more people wanted to ride Shazzam!, including people who had just gotten off. It wasn't long before the queue reached its previous and constant length and the wait time went back to an hour.

This story is not about an amusement park. It is about hospitals. And Shazzam! is not a ride, it is the Emergency Room. Waiting an hour to go on a ride may be unpleasant, but doing so in the ER waiting room could be life-threatening. People have literally died waiting. Why do we accept the unacceptable? Especially when there is a very simple solution?

"But, Vinny", you may be saying, "won't the wait times eventually go back to where they were as in your example?" Absolutely not. People don't decide whether to go to the hospital based on the wait times (or how much they enjoy "the ride")--they go to the ER when and because they have an emergency. Reduce the backlog and you should be able to maintain much faster service times with the current staff going forward.

This solution may not apply to rural hospitals where the number of ER patients fluctuates greatly, but then wait times are probably not as big an issue there, either. In big cities that don't sleep at night, the ER is almost always jammed. This is where it applies. This is where it's needed. Is anyone listening out there?

Q & A's from around the web

What exercise should a man do to have a round, firm & solid hard butt?

Eat cement.

Living in the bizarro world

It was a glorious day, today--bright sunshine, a few puffy clouds in the sky, a light breeze blowing and about 80 F. I should remind/inform you that I live in The Great White North. A place where we are no strangers to some of the coldest, most severe weather on the planet. So, imagine my surprise when while I was out, I spotted several people wearing jackets. Granted, it wasn't one of the balmy, humid days in the 90's we regularly get this time of year, but still, it certainly was a shorts and t-shirt day.

Now, you may be thinking that I observed people sporting suit jackets or blazers. Nope. I'm talking regular jackets generally worn for protection against the elements. And now, for the kicker: One guy was wearing one of those bubble-type winter jackets. Not an old guy who's always cold, or afflicted with dementia--a guy in his 20's. Okay, it was sleeveless, but c'mon, now. These are the dog days, bud. What are you going to do in January? Hibernate? Do these people know they're living in the bizarro world? Are their friends too embarrassed to tell them they um, dress funny? Do they not have friends to guide them? Were their friends over-dressed today, too? I would have asked, but who knows how a guy who lives in bizarro land might react. I wouldn't want an anvil dropped on me.

Here's my question...

...posed on a Q & A site on the web and getting two answers:

What happened to Fifth Grader? I used to watch it on Thursday nights. Where did it go?

that show was garbage, its pretty obvious what happened.... it got cancelled for sucking so much.

Season 3 will premiere Sept. 5/08

------------------------------------------

I don't think you can ask anything and get a consensus.

My Recipe: Chicken with Rice

Vinny’s Chicken with Rice

Ingredients:
6-8 chicken wings
1 3/4 cups Italian style rice
1 1/4 tsp. salt
pepper, parsley, parmesan cheese
Yield: four servings

Directions:
1. Fill a medium-sized pot with about 7 cups of water and bring to a boil. While waiting…
2. Wash chicken wings.
3. Cut the wing tips off.
4. Place wings in the pot.
5. When it reaches a boil, reduce to a simmer. Be careful it doesn't overflow. The fat will "foam up", but if simmering slowly enough, it will dissipate. Do NOT remove the foam. It provides much of the taste. While waiting...
6. Lightly rinse excess starch from rice.
7. After about 30 minutes, remove the chicken and spray with cold water. Do not discard the water in the pot.
8. Carefully separate the meat from the fat, bones and cartilage.
9. Ladle out about one third of the water in the pot and set aside (you may need some or all of it).
10. Place the meat back in the pot.
11. Place a chicken bouillon cube (or like powder) into the pot.
12. Put about 2 to 2 1/2 cups of rice into the pot.
13. Season with salt, pepper and parsley.
14. Simmer covered until rice is cooked, stirring occasionally.
15. Ladle out into bowls, sprinkle with more pepper, parsley and parmesan cheese if you have it.
16. Serve with garlic bread or bread sticks.

Notes:
1. If most of the water dissipates before the rice is fully cooked, stir in a bit of the reserve as you go along. The contents should be free of water when it's done.
2. Parmesan cheese is indispensable in an Italian household. I use it in many dishes--pastas and soups, for instance.