Funnier then werds

My left ear lobe is swollen, about two months had it pierced now. Could it be infected?

I'm not sure, but your first sentence might also be infected. It looks mighty sick. It at least has a fever. It may even be delirious.

From Urban Dictionary:

T Dot

A uneducated person's way of saying Toronto, often used by young, white, suburban, middle-class men who mix ebonics into everyday vocabulary because they want to:

(a) act like they are from the ghetto
(b) act like they are black
(c) think they are real gangsters because they commit petty crimes and think they can intimidate people by talking like that but often get beaten down by the real gangsters when found using such vocabulary

I iz from da T dot yo....I jus snatched yo mama's purse cause eyez needz my crack yo!

Ripped from the headlines

ASPEN, Colo. - A Pomeranian has been kicked out of a Colorado resort town after getting in trouble for biting and other bad behaviour.

Municipal Judge Brooke Peterson told the dog's owner, Melinda Goldrich, that if the dog is seen again in Aspen, it will be rounded up by animal control officers and put to death. Goldrich was in court Wednesday on a charge of keeping a vicious dog.

An Aspen fitness club employee told The Aspen Times that the Pomeranian, named Gizmo, bit her in August while it was tied to a fence. The dog served 10 days in an animal shelter.

Goldrich had been under a court order to not leave Gizmo unattended after the dog bit another person in February. She also was cited in 2006 for the animal's bad behaviour.

Here's a picture of the vicious animal:

The wheels of justice

Recently, I noticed a deposit made into my RRSP (401-K for American readers) account. There was a notation that this was the proceeds of the class-action law suit against Nortel Networks. For those of you not familiar with the case, senior executives at the (former) behemoth communications company conspired to perpetrate accounting fraud that resulted in perhaps millions of investors losing almost one third of a trillion dollars. Criminal charges against those principles are still in the courts.

Hundreds of thousands of people, myself included, had their life savings wiped out. Right now, you might be thinking "Good for you--you got your money back". Let me give you a clue as to how much of my money I actually got back--I did not break out the champagne when I saw the amount of the deposit. In fact, I'm not sure that it could buy a bottle of Dom Perignon. I chuckled--it was so laughable. I lost almost $400,000 and a successful law suit netted me $199. That's right. There's no missing zeros--one hundred and ninety nine dollars. What I would really like to know is how many tens of millions of dollars the lawyers got for getting me my $199.

The kicker to all this is how much more money lawyers stand to make by defending the thieves and cheats behind all this misery. I'd be willing to bet my $199 that most if not all the guilty will get off with a slap on the wrist if not outright. It's no wonder that things never change. There is no justice.

No birds were harmed during the making of this blog post

Yesterday, I made one of my regular visits to Woodbine raceway, but my visit was anything but regular. I had saved a few slices of old bread to feed to the birds which are always in great abundance on the grounds. There's everything from sparrows to seagulls to Canada geese.

As I exited my car, I immediately spotted a seagull close by. I threw a piece of bread toward him, he let out a squawk and flew away from me for a second, then quickly turned back when he realized what it was I had thrown, snapped it up and took flight. He did so because another seagull had been watching the events unfold from about 25 yards away and was chasing him in no time flat. The pursuer squawked all the while he was in hot pursuit.

I guess the commotion roused a few other gulls from even farther away and as they approached, I threw them another piece of bread. The "lucky" bird who was quick enough to get it was mobbed by the other birds trying to get a piece of the action. I threw another morsel and the scene repeated itself. All the while these birds were making a racket.

As I continued throwing bread, the volume of birds and the volume of their squawking kept rising. Soon they were walking, squawking and flying all around me. I quickened my bread-throwing in an effort to finish it and get the hell out of there. I felt certain that at any moment, Alfred Hitchcock would appear and call off the birds. My last thought as I ran to escape was that at any second I would surely get bombarded by some big, wet, green excrement.

Somehow, I managed to avoid such a disaster. As I neared the entrance, I reflected how different this experience was from the other times I had brought bread there. Rarely had any birds even noticed me and if they did, it was usually a single sparrow who reaped the benefit of my generosity, sometimes under the watchful eye of a black squirrel. It was always a very peaceful scene. From now on, I think I'll just dump all my bread and run. I'm really not looking for any kind of "payment" for it.

Frustration explained

Is it possible to dislike Beatles music?

The recent release of the new Beatles electronic game (and subsequent remastered works) has brought out the Beatles haters in force. I have always wondered how--no, more like questioned, whether someone can genuinely not like their music. I have explored this question from every angle I can think of...and have not yet found a plausible case for disliking the genre. I call it "genre" because it is a body of work large enough and different enough to warrant it.

And that brings me to my conclusion that it is not possible to hate Beatles music. I will concede that with a mild brain defect, it is fathomable that one may dislike many of the tunes the Fab Four produced. After all, some people don't like steak. Others still, don't like lobster. Therein lies the rub and the crux of my argument. The Beatles "buffet" consists of not only juicy steak and succulent lobster, but also lasagna, cherries, ice cream, cheesecake and several other recipes I can't put my finger on at the moment.

You tell me, dear reader, how anyone cannot find something to enjoy in that array. From She Loves You to Twist and Shout to Sgt. Pepper to Something to Back in the USSR to Long and Winding Road to--I'd better stop myself here or I might name every one of their songs. Their music spans much of the universe of sound. From the child-like tunes to the amazingly crafted ones, there's something for every taste. To continue the gastronomic metaphor, to say you don't like Beatles music is like saying "I don't like food".

So, to those who insist they hate the Beatles, I can only feel sorry for you...just as I feel sorry for those who suffer from anorexia...or mental illness.

Here's something you don't see every day...

Switching sides

The Pacific island nation of Samoa has become the first country in decades to change driving sides. And it is likely the first time any country is switching from the right to the left - every other change has been the other way around. About 70 per cent of the world population drives on the right-hand side of the road - just like drivers in Pompeii and other ancient cities did. This is partly due to a larger cultural preference for right-handed activities.

But despite the enormous hurdles – physical, economic and political – that any move to change the driving side has to face, many countries have made the switch to match up with neighbours. Like Canada did in the 1920s and Sweden did as late as 1967. The current change in Samoa is ostensibly to help people get the benefit of cheap, used vehicles from richer neighbours Australia and New Zealand that drive on the left.

Did you know?

In 1698, Russia's Peter the Great imposed a tax on beards.

Everyone's favourite tax lawyer

Famed tax lawyer, Roni Deutch is asked what other career she might have pursued had she not become a lawyer.

Funnier then werds

Let's face it--English is butchered every second of every day on iPhones, Blackberries and the internet. But, every once in a while, I come across some spelling or grammar that demands special mention. I just saw the following...

when i get through with them they minus well die

The context indicates that this person meant to say "they might as well die". I'm guessing she also failed math.