A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey
jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,
then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of
the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth,
and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see
what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy,
"he eats everything in sight, the little devil. Sorry.
I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for
the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and has
his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts
running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his
drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his butt,
pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut,
and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a
peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight,
but ever since he had to crap out
that cue ball, he measures everything FIRST!"
Friday, 23 January 2009
Thursday, 22 January 2009
Nice gig if you can get it
$14 million per year. How does that sound? That's what Brian Colangelo, Toronto Raptors President and General Manager negotiated to pay Jermaine O'Neal. This, for a guy who has a history of bad knees. It seems an excessive wager. I wouldn't pay that much for the best knees in the world. To be honest, I haven't followed NBA salaries since--well, never. But J.O.'s season seems to agree with my point of view.
He had a very slow start, putting up numbers like 4-6 points per game. Then, just as he was starting to click with a few high-scoring games, he flopped like a fish out of water. I don't recall how many games he was out for. I don't remember because he's been out several different times already and we're only in the middle of the season. He's probably missed almost as many games as he has played.
Now, there are trade rumours, but who in their right mind will take a chance on him now that they've seen confirmation that he is washed up? Colangelo, for the most part, was hailed as the second coming of Christ in Toronto, but the sheen on his halo has been fading about as fast as the Raptors have been sliding down the Eastern Division standings--currently on a seven-game losing streak.
Colangelo has collected a team of somewhat talented, nice guys who lack the killer instinct necessary to compete in the NBA. No team has blown more double-digit leads than the Raps--once coughing up an 18-point lead. They have the most porous defense in the league. I have seen players literally get out of the way to allow opposing players direct access to the basket. I don't like to name names, but his initials are "Jamario Moon". As a big basketball fan, this is almost unbearable to watch night in and night out.
This team has to be among the most underachieving in the history of the NBA. We have Chris Bosh, a strong, young mutiple all-star averaging over 20 points per game. Bargnagni, who has finally blossomed into one of the most well-rounded seven-footers in the game, also averaging over 20 in the last 10-12 games. Jose Calderon was one the premier point guards in the league before going down with a hamstring injury and who incidentally is perfect from the free-throw line for this entire season--76, I think. We have Jason Kapono, who won the three-throwing competition easily at last year's all-star game. Moon can almost fly to the moon--if he weren't afraid of getting hit. The rest of the supporting cast on a given night can shine.
Despite all that, they lose far more than their share of games. I believe the reason is that you can't have too many softies on one team--no matter how good they are. You can get away with one or two, but load up the squad and you're asking for trouble. You need toughness. And this team is lacking it big time. Are you listening, Bryan?
On Jose's free-throw streak.
And more.
He had a very slow start, putting up numbers like 4-6 points per game. Then, just as he was starting to click with a few high-scoring games, he flopped like a fish out of water. I don't recall how many games he was out for. I don't remember because he's been out several different times already and we're only in the middle of the season. He's probably missed almost as many games as he has played.
Now, there are trade rumours, but who in their right mind will take a chance on him now that they've seen confirmation that he is washed up? Colangelo, for the most part, was hailed as the second coming of Christ in Toronto, but the sheen on his halo has been fading about as fast as the Raptors have been sliding down the Eastern Division standings--currently on a seven-game losing streak.
Colangelo has collected a team of somewhat talented, nice guys who lack the killer instinct necessary to compete in the NBA. No team has blown more double-digit leads than the Raps--once coughing up an 18-point lead. They have the most porous defense in the league. I have seen players literally get out of the way to allow opposing players direct access to the basket. I don't like to name names, but his initials are "Jamario Moon". As a big basketball fan, this is almost unbearable to watch night in and night out.
This team has to be among the most underachieving in the history of the NBA. We have Chris Bosh, a strong, young mutiple all-star averaging over 20 points per game. Bargnagni, who has finally blossomed into one of the most well-rounded seven-footers in the game, also averaging over 20 in the last 10-12 games. Jose Calderon was one the premier point guards in the league before going down with a hamstring injury and who incidentally is perfect from the free-throw line for this entire season--76, I think. We have Jason Kapono, who won the three-throwing competition easily at last year's all-star game. Moon can almost fly to the moon--if he weren't afraid of getting hit. The rest of the supporting cast on a given night can shine.
Despite all that, they lose far more than their share of games. I believe the reason is that you can't have too many softies on one team--no matter how good they are. You can get away with one or two, but load up the squad and you're asking for trouble. You need toughness. And this team is lacking it big time. Are you listening, Bryan?
On Jose's free-throw streak.
And more.
Wednesday, 21 January 2009
On his last legs
AMSTERDAM, N.Y. – After he finished his lobster dinner, an upstate New York man apparently was still hungry for seafood so he swapped the lobster shell for crab legs — and now he faces a petit larceny charge.
Montgomery County Sheriff's deputies said a 57-year-old man brought back a reassembled lobster shell to his local Price Chopper store and claimed the crustacean was spoiled.
The store manager was about to let him trade the lobster for a $27 bag of king crab legs when he discovered the lobster was just a shell. Deputies said the man ran from the store clutching the crab legs when he was confronted.
Deputies said the man had already devoured the crab legs when they caught up with him at home. He was given an appearance ticket to answer the larceny charge in court.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The story reminded me of the turkey scene in Chevy Chase's Christmas Vacation, which always makes me grin.
Tuesday, 20 January 2009
Black shmack
Is it just me or wouldn't the election of a black leader anywhere else in the world go by without any fanfare whatsoever? What does this say about the United States?
Let me be clear. I am happy for the American people, Black people everywhere, and even the entire rest of the world. It's just that to me, the circus around the event underscores the kind of deep-seated problems of hate and racism that have been a part of the United States since it was founded. Let's hope that Obama's inauguration signals the beginning of the end to the ongoing systemic problems that discriminate against Blacks, Hispanics and others in America.
Let me be clear. I am happy for the American people, Black people everywhere, and even the entire rest of the world. It's just that to me, the circus around the event underscores the kind of deep-seated problems of hate and racism that have been a part of the United States since it was founded. Let's hope that Obama's inauguration signals the beginning of the end to the ongoing systemic problems that discriminate against Blacks, Hispanics and others in America.
Pope to get YouTube channel
It appears that the Pope is getting his own channel on YouTube. According to The Vatican's press office, video of the pope's speeches as well as news about the pontiff will be posted. I can't wait to see all the Pope bloopers and Pope practical jokes videos. I hear he's a riot at house parties.
Pope Benedict does his oft-requested impression of Mr. Bean:
Pope Benedict does his oft-requested impression of Mr. Bean:
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