Canadian humour

An RCMP officer stops at a ranch up in Iron Mountain, B.C. and talks with

the old ranch owner.

He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown

drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of

the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and

removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See

this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish..on any

land. No questions asked or

answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the RCMP officer

running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.. With every

step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The officer is clearly

terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and

yells at the top of his lungs.....'Your badge! Show him your f***ing

badge!'

Q & A's from around the web

Are there any biochemistry test that can differentiate human blood and blood from other species?

They can tell anything and everything from blood. They can tell if the owner/doner is left handed and has a coin collection.

What's wrong with people?

For about the last 7 years, I had been going to a particular gas station regularly. On most occasions, I only put in $20 worth of gas. Unless I'm planning a long trip, this is my modus operandi. When pumping gas, I tend to stop the pump a cent or two before the amount I want, just to make sure I don't go over. Recently, for the first time in at least fifteen years, I wasn't paying close attention and I stopped the pump at $20.04.

I went in to pay, pulled out a stack of 20's, having just gone to the bank, handed the clerk, which I knew to be a partner in the business, $20 and asked him if he wanted the four cents. To my surprise, he said "Yes, please". He did not say, "If you have the change", or "Pay me next time" or any other reasonable thing one might expect from a clerk speaking to a long-time customer. Taken aback, I was left dumbfounded. I knew I didn't have any change, so I peeled off a $20 bill and handed it to him. He willingly gave me $19.96 change rather than opt for any other arrangement.

That was several months ago. Since then, I have avoided going to that particular gas station. The man's actions cost him one of his best customers--over four cents. An amount that I had over my many purchases given him far more than. He has lost my business forever.

Biker Bar Barbie

Tax the stupid

Since there's never been any agreement on who should pay how much tax, I'm going to resolve the issue right here.

Yesterday, I was at the mall and I walked over to a "garbage bin" to discard a coffee cup. There were three separate containers for three types of garbage. I gazed into the "Glass and Plastic Bottles" bin, which was almost half full and was quite surprised to see not a single glass or plastic bottle in it. Instead, there was all kinds of paper, coffee cups, food wrappers, etc. I can understand that a lazy and or stupid person, or perhaps a mentally handicapped person might place an item in the wrong hole, but I have trouble believing that everyone at the mall that day was there to undergo rehabilitation for a severe brain injury.

Anyway, I thought how nice it would be if we had Garbage Police to take names and tax the living crap out of these ignorant slobs. A side benefit would be that it would lower the taxes of the rest of us.

Q & A's from around the web

How can i get my fat hog of a girlfriend to lose weight before i dump her enormous behind?

If you cannot have sex anymore because you cannot get it up because of her size, that is not your fault. So when she finally asks "Why are we not having sex anymore?" tell her the truth. She will put the cheeseburger down and do something about it.

Q & A's from around the web

I saw a picture of my ex wife and she's as big as a house? I kind of feel sorry for her but part of me says her new husband deserves her the way she is now. Is it childish for me to think this?

A little. At least you don't wish her to get hit by a fricken train. I'm just sayin'.

It's quite common to feel that way if you parted on bad terms. Send her a letter. Ask her if she's been zoned as a separate address.

I think you're missing the point here. She's as big as a house? Maybe you should try to get back together with her. Install some big windows in the front. Improve the insulation and get central air conditioning. Add a fireplace. Maybe a nice patio. You could fix her up and have free shelter, or maybe even sell her for a profit. Now's the time to buy before property values go up again.

It's now official

The world has exhausted all possible aspects of creativity. There are no more good songs, movies, novels or TV shows being produced. The last nail in the coffin of novelty as we know it came in the form of a TV program.

While engaging in an evermore act of futility, namely surfing the breadth of the cable TV offerings, I came across a familiar face. It was the mug of Steve Davis. For those of you who are not familiar with Steve, or his visage, he was one of the best snooker players ever to poke balls with a stick.

You'll notice that I said was. You can guess that this day saw Steve without his trusty tool of the trade. What was Steve doing on TV, today, you ask? He was playing poker. And why do you suppose he was playing poker? Because having won world championships in snooker multiple times, he was looking for new challenges? I doubt it.

I did not rest on the particular channel very long, but I was there just long enough to learn that at least one of his opponents was also previously a successful snooker player. This leads me to believe that this was the theme of the program: washed-up-pool-players-who need-money-and-will-do-anything-to-make-rent.

Don't get me wrong. I am a big fan of both billiards and poker, but having watched every conceivable angle of poker on TV, little of it exciting, you have to draw the line somewhere. What's next? Danny Bonaduce and Shirley Jones square off in a wild game of strip poker? Was that the sound of your lunch hitting your keyboard?

Are you sitting down? The above scenario is not beyond what someone would think to put on TV. You see, Ms. Shirley Jones, aka the wholesome Mrs. Partridge of The Partridge Family fame, is about to "bare all" in an upcoming issue of Playboy. Did I mention that the old bird is 75 years old?



New York Post story.

On a more serious note...

glumbert - I Bet You Didn't Know This About Chickens

Crasher Squirrel

A cheeky squirrel in Alberta's Banff National Park has gone viral after stealing the spotlight in a tourist's photo.

Melissa Brandts, who was visiting from Minnesota, had set up her camera on a tripod to capture her and her husband, Jackson, in front of picturesque Lake Minnewanka in May.

"We had our camera set up on some rocks and were getting ready to take the picture when this curious little ground squirrel appeared, became intrigued with the sound of the focusing camera and popped right into our shot!" she wrote.

The ground squirrel became the focus of the picture as the couple faded into the background.

"A once in a lifetime moment! We were laughing about this little guy for days!" wrote his wife.


The couple submitted the photo to a National Geographic contest. The magazine posted it to an online gallery on Aug. 7.

In less than a week, the Crasher Squirrel, as it's become known, has stormed the internet. Photoshop enthusiasts have added the furry scene-stealer to family portraits, famous paintings, and even to the top of the Queen's hat with a pile of nuts.

The Crasher Squirrel upstages former U.S. president Bill Clinton and North Korean President Kim Jong Il with other government officials. (David Morgan/CBC)

Money as Debt

These videos will explain in an easy-to-understand way, how the current financial crisis came about, why it is unsustainable, and offers possibilities for the future. The average person has no idea how ridiculous the banking system really is. This is must viewing for anyone at all interested in their financial future.

This may make you feel like a genius

I was watching Who Wants to be a Millionaire, and one of the first, simple questions was:

Which of the following oceans is NOT crossed by the equator?

a) Atlantic
b) Pacific
c) Indian
d) Arctic

Amazingly, the contestant is stumped and blurts out "I'm not good at geography", then with just two seconds left on the clock, she says she wants to "Ask the audience".

How bad does one have to be at geography to not be able to answer this question? Think about it. One would have to either not have any idea where the equator is or think that the Arctic Ocean is possibly somewhere around the centre of the earth.

Funnier then werds

A comment on a stock market article:

dude there is standing rule in the market over the time (no buddy knows)

The Corporation

It's been a while since I posted and a lot longer still since the documentary "The Corporation" aired. I watched it for a second time this evening and think it is well worth watching for anyone at all interested in understanding what constitutes and permeates a large part of today's world. It may have a profound effect on your worldview and even if not, you will certainly learn something and gain an appreciation of a topic not often discussed at length. It is also sprinkled with light-hearted spots to keep your interest.

It has won several awards and was hailed by most critics as a very well done piece whether one agrees or not with it's somewhat partisan view. You can download it here. Please post your comments.

Note: If, after downloading, you have difficulties viewing it, you may want to try downloading codecs from here.