I feel sick to my stomach

Maybe I should make this a regular category. It seems that increasing numbers of things have this effect on me these days.

I just read that city aldermen in Calgary, Canada received a 5% pay hike. No, that's not the sickening part, although it doesn't make the stomach feel great in these trying economic times. Apparently, some of the aldermen were campaigning to scrap the increase, rightfully citing hard times as the impetus for letting the city keep the money. After all, times are just as hard for city coffers as they are for Joe Citizen.

The part that makes me want to throw up is that some of the others sitting around the council table who happily accepted the raise, say that the members who were fighting the increase were merely "grandstanding". Nothing like accusing those who would do the right thing of just trying to make the rest look bad. In effect, the shameful trying to shame the righteous.

I can't remember how many times in my life I got the same treatment. Once, when I was not yet established in a career, I was working in a very large printing shop, at the bottom of the ladder. When someone from a press crew was absent, a worker from the next lower rung would fill in for him. In my case, I got to be "roll man".

That job required that you check approximately 1,000-pound rolls of paper for nicks, stripping the roll down to where it was "clean" and then using a crane to lift and set the roll on the press. You also set up the roll to be spliced with the preceding roll as it finished, so that the paper would feed continuously. If you screwed up in either of these functions, the press would come to a stop and precious time, paper and manpower were wasted in getting started again.

On a particularly bad week, production-wise, our foreman came to chew out our crew and one thing he said was that on the times that I was working as roll man, the production rate was higher and the wastage was lower. I should mention that this particular press had three crews that worked around the clock. Anyway, it didn't take more than a few minutes for the regular roll man from my crew to come to me and give me shit for making him look bad. What kind of twisted thinking is this?

Something else from that job sticks out in my mind. There were a few guys who sometimes as they were finishing their shift would say to me in a very proud manner as I was arriving for my shift "I just f____ed the dog all day". If you're unfamiliar with this expression, it means "did nothing".

Encounters

No, it's not what you think. I just realized I'm late with the rest of this post from a couple of days ago.

My idea is this: Rather than place an ankle bracelet that allows police to track sexual predators on parole, etc., why not equip children with a simple device that signals them when a known paedophile is in the vicinity? Also or alternatively, the same signal can be received by a parent or anyone carrying a cell phone. The man's privacy is upheld since only his wherabouts is indicated and children are kept safe. It's a win/win situation. Carriers, politicians and police services, are you listening?

Q & A's from around the web

Why are smokers not affected by secondhand smoke?

If someone farts while you're eating feces, it doesn't seem to bother you.

Q & A's from around the web

My wife broke her leg so she can't bring me beer for a while. Should I divorce her?
Serious answers only.

Surely you can rig up a chair on wheels so she can do her duty. What kind of man wouldn't go a little out of his way to add a couple wheels to her kitchen stool so she can bring you whatever you need?

Close Encounters of the unwanted kind

How come there's a national "Do not call" list designed to keep annoying telephone calls from disturbing the peace and sanctity of our personal space, and spam blockers designed to allow us to keep billions of unwanted e-mails from destroying our time and sanity, but there's nothing to stem the tide of unsolicited junk mail cluttering up our cherished bills, parking tickets and notices of jury duty?

Why is it legal for someone to send me as much crap as they can afford to send and I am obligated under threat of being taken away by armed agents of the government, to accept it all? Isn't it about time that in the name of the environment, not to mention in the name of Vinny, that a national "Do not send" list is established?

Virtually every business day of the year, I receive about three pieces of junk mail. I never spend more than the time it takes to pick it up and deliver it to my recycling bag, reading any of it. Yes, it's good that it is recycled (I hope you all do, too), but there is a large cost involved in the life cycle of printed matter.

And while I'm coming up with ideas for this wish list, can someone please come up with a "Do not encounter" list for cell phones? You know, you populate your cellphone with the names--phone numbers, I guess, of people you'd least like to run into, say, your ex-wife who took you to the cleaners and would frisk you for more in a chance encounter, the guy you borrowed $50 from a month ago that you were supposed to pay back three weeks ago, Uncle Leo, etc., and through the magic of GPS, keeps them at bay. Perhaps for a small additional monthly fee, the phone will direct you to the nearest and best hiding place when someone from your DNE list is dangerously near.

A light bulb just went off--or is it "went on"? Funny that we say an alarm went off when it really went on. Anyway, on this same theme...ya know what? This post is long enough. If your attention span is as short as mine, you stopped reading after the first paragraph. I'll describe my brilliant idea in another post, tomorrow. Be sure to stop by. I'll be serving free coffee and Danish.