Shit my dad said...

When the family was huddled around the TV watching circus performers, gymnasts or figure skaters:

"Ha! You think they have to get up at 5 a.m. and work construction?"

As if anyone could perform a triple somersault on the flying trapeze if not for other commitments.


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BP spills coffee

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Here's something a little different...

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Q & A's from around the web

I'm a fat dude. Is it possible to get a skinny girl?

"to get" as in capture?


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The world's most interesting...

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SiCKO

I just finished watching the movie and I wept.

I wept for Americans without health insurance. I wept for Americans with insurance but who have had claims rejected. I wept for Americans who understand the need for universal health care but can't convince their fellow Americans of it. I wept for Cubans who despite great challenges understand the value of pulling together as human beings to help one another, particularly when one of us is ill. But mostly I wept for Americans who "don't get it".

If you watch this movie and are unaffected...I'd rather not finish this sentence.

A thought came to mind shortly into the film...

Michael Moore is the Noam Chomsky of the lunch pail crowd.

By the way, the part about sending the cheque to his rival with the website dedicated to bashing Moore--what could be more poignant?

If you haven't seen it, I urge you to.

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Poker adventures

Last night I played a NL draw poker tourney. There were 6,000 entrants and they pay top 48.

After a few hours, I am getting low on chips. I get dealt a straight. I make a small raise before the draw hoping to spur a re-raise. The very next player who has me covered goes all-in. As I go to position the mouse over the "call" button, I'm hit with a power failure. If it had come one second later, I would have won a big pot and had a good chance to finish in the money. Instead, I lost whatever I had bet and struggled to finish around 150th.

The bizarre thing is that the rain was so brief and so light that it was surprising that it produced lightning at all. It's as if the poker gods, sensing I was about to finish well, contacted Thor and...

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How much further...

...can the quality of "journalism" sink? If I haven't made it apparent, yet, I am a stickler for spelling and grammar and I am continually shocked and appalled by the new depths it reaches. There seems to be no bounds beneath which it will not go and there is no apparant reason to believe the bottom is anywhere near imminent. The logical conclusion is that one day, sooner rather than later, virtually everthing you read, regardless of source or author, will resemble the worst jibberish one witnesses on intenet message boards, instant messenger chat sessions and mobile text messages.

What's got me in a snit this time? I ckicked on a news story brought to me as part of a collection by Google (by clicking on "News" on the Google portal) and my jaw dropped. It's not as if I stumbled onto the page of an obscure amateur blogger--I'm talking about an otherwise legitimate news service. Here are a few small samples of this "professional" journalist's work:

No really, what kind of idiot would go on tv, in Turkey or anywhere in earth

Get a loud of some of this crap that Hedo spews..

Who knew, Toronto a hard place to play on athletes??????

Now, you might think that perhaps the author has some redeeming talents such as a keen insight into the subject matter or perhaps he weaves a rivetting story. Perhaps you'd be wrong. He offers little insight into anything...other than his abysmal command of the English language, and as for his ability to weave--I'm sure he is far more suited to performing the activity using baskets rather than the English language.

You be the judge.

Maybe I should just accept that the world is changing and learn to change along with it. i thnk ill start rite now, c u ltr..........


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Man allegedly sets blaze because of late dinner

Mon May 24, 9:04 pm ET

SISSONVILLE, W.Va. – Kanawha County authorities said a marital spat over a late dinner has landed a man in jail on an arson charge. Lt. Sean Crosier of the Sheriff's Department said 60-year-old Guy Edward Jones came home Sunday and got angry because his wife, Beverly Jones, didn't have dinner on the table.

Crosier said the couple fought and Beverly Jones ran to a neighbor's house. Crosier said she turned and saw flames coming out of the basement and her husband exiting through the basement door.

Guy Jones was in the South Central Regional Jail on Monday afternoon in lieu of $50,000 bond. It could not be determined whether he had a lawyer.

Story

In related news, the producers of the popular Fox television series The Simpsons, have put out a press release indicating that a search for a suitable replacement for the character Jasper Beardly is already underway and they expect there to be no impact to the current production schedule.

Jasper Beardly:

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That's how we fix it

I did a double take when I saw this commercial for the first time. I literally laughed out loud and then chuckled for the next two days every time I thought about it. Listen to them laughing at the end. It's as if the characters themselves can't help but laugh at the absurdity of it all. It's one of my all-time favourites.





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Freedom of speech or simple hate?

In the midst of the "Everybody Draw Mohammed Day" fiasco, defenders of their right to free speech often write that the exercise of it should never be self restricted because of what those who object to various manifestations of it see as highly offensive. Many of them assert that it is a noble right worth defending at all costs because anything less would be giving in to pressure to a lessening of personal rights and freedoms.

My question to them is: When was the last time you lost a right or freedom simply because you didn't exercise it? How many times did you lose your right to travel because you stayed home for too long a period? When was the last time you lost your right to vote because you didn't go to the polls for three elections in a row? When was the last time your freedom of speech was suspended because you didn't offend someone for six months? You are not obligated to exercise each and every right you have to it's fullest degree.

Freedom of speech is assured. I don't see it being revoked any time soon. Taunting Muslims, or anyone else under the guise of exercising the right of freedom of expression is in practical terms bull shit. It serves only one purpose: to spread hate. Not only to spread hate, but to solicit support in the spreading of that hate.

It costs you nothing to refrain from purposely offending Muslims. If you disagree with facets of Islam, fine, start a debate--you may learn something. Rights and freedoms are not like muscles--they do not need to be exercised so that they don't atrophy and lose their power. Please, stop this ploy because it amounts to nothing but hate mongering. It does nothing to cement our rights while at the same time, it pisses off a whole lot of people. So, what have you gained? Was that the real objective? Simply to piss people off? Congratulations--it succeeded. Now, try doing something positive.


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It's bottom of the ninth with two out...

What's up with baseball announcers these days? Why do they keep informing the viewers over and over...and over again about the current status of the game? For instance: "There's a man on first with two outs at the bottom of the third in a zero-zero tie". Uh, thanks, but I know all that--it's right there on the screen...constantly.

I guess because of technology, the requirements of the job have changed--they just forgot to CC: the announcers on the memo. They should stick to analysis of the game and throw in a little personal stuff here and there. Maybe they don't have enough interesting or insightful things to say and have to back fill with um, filler. Whatever the reason, I want my money back.


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Another typical poker tourney (typical for me)

Last night, I played in a .05, yes, five cent poker tourney. There was nothing else available within the time frame I was willing to wait at my very unpopular poker site. It gets quieter and quieter. I'm sure it will close down any day now. I'm wondering if I should take my money out now.

Anyway, at one point I announce: "30 hands dealt, not one playable hand." (I played a few hands from my blinds with very little and had to fold.)

At hand 37, I get dealt JJ. I am in late position and someone in early position raised 3x or 4xbb before the flop and gets 3 callers including me. Flop comes 99Q. The pre-flop raiser makes a large bet, next guy calls, next guy makes a big raise. Of course, I would be all-in if I made the ridiculous call--I fold. Early guy re-raises and is all-in. Next guy calls and is all-in. Early guy had KK. Next guy had garbage. Last guy had QQ.

After hand 40, with my chips about = 5xbb and still not having seen a river, I announce: "I have a feeling when I go all-in, I'll be outdrawn."

A few hands later, I'm the SB and everyone folds to me. I'm holding A4 and by now, I'm thoroughly frustrated and I go all-in. The guy calls with KT. I'm sure you can guess what happens next. Flop is KTx

I'm out.

Since I'm "not allowed" to win consistently, maybe I should put together a book of my poker (mis)adventures, including screen shots and hand histories. Naa, no one would buy it. And by "buy it", I mean "believe it". Well...both.

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Can you spot the liberal?

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Portrait of an alleged terrorist training camp

Not only does Canada produce more comics per capita than any other country, apparently, even alleged Canadian terrorists are a funny bunch.

A less nefarious picture of an alleged terrorist training camp emerged Thursday, when a Brampton court heard attendees were forced to sleep in a van because of sub-zero temperatures, participated in military marches to avoid hypothermia and squealed when a field mouse ran into a tent.

The portrait of an “utterly disorganized” camp, surfaced as defence lawyer Michael Moon cross-examined police agent Mubin Shaikh, who infiltrated the alleged homegrown terror cell in late 2005.

Court was told that when members of the group attended a December 2005 camp in Washago, Ont., some were terrified a fictional pack of wolves was stalking them, two men cut themselves chopping wood and one nearly lit himself ablaze while pouring fuel onto the campfire.

“These guys were lucky to get out of Washago alive,” Moon suggested to Shaikh, who is testifying at the trial of Fahim Ahmad, Steven Chand and Asad Ansari, members of the so-called Toronto 18, which was busted up by police on June 2, 2006.

Shaikh, the only one who had the foresight to bring a winter tent, said he never believed the campers were at risk of death because they could sleep in their vehicles. But, he testified, “there was a real risk of hypothermia.”

The full story.

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Q & A's from around the web

What's your orientation and your sign?

Horizontal and Do Not Disturb.


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Q & A's from around the web

What do you wear with destroyed jeans from Abercrombie?


A demolished top from Fitch.



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Count your blessings

Today, I thought I'd write a feel good story. Not in the way you imagine. By describing how miserable I feel right now, you might want to reconsider your assessment of your own health. And if it happens to be worse than mine, well, then, maybe I'll feel a little better.

Leaving aside some of my more personal and chronic conditions (even though some of them and these are, indeed, chronic), the last couple of days I've been struggling with hemorrhoids, excessive gas, bloating, stomach cramps, constipation (followed by diarrhea), sore throat, cough, constant headache, and lower back pain that won't ease sitting, standing or laying down.

I wish these were all I had to deal with. Now, before you start (if you aren't already well into) thinking what a whiner I am, let me just point out that aside from the account I gave of the heart attack I had last year, I haven't bitched about my condition(s) in this blog. And I'm not really sure why I'm doing it now. Certainly not to garner sympathy--I don't have enough readership to make a lick of difference.

I know that sometimes when I'm not feeling great, hearing of someone else's challenges makes me feel lucky for not having theirs. So, maybe today, if you're not feeling well, perhaps you can feel grateful for being you. And if you happen to feel good today, sorry for possibly bringing you down. In retribution, I promise my next posting will be a humorous and or positive one.

Have a good one!...or at least a better one than I'm having.


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I'm a sucker for a pretty face

I was watching Boston Legal when I was practically knocked out of my socks by a stunning actress who was a guest star. I was so taken by her, I had to find out who she was and why I had never noticed her before. She wasn't a young starlet, so I figured she must have appeared here and there. That I hadn't noticed her before troubled me.

After a little digging, I found out who she was. It turns out I had seen her before. I looked for photos of her, but damned, if I could find any of her that resemble her look on that show. There was maybe one that resembled her slightly, but most of the others didn't do her justice. The makeup crew deserves an award for the beauty they created that day. Fire engine red lipstick completed the hot look. Before I bore you to death with any more trivia and at the risk of building her up too much, here is Gail O'Grady...








I found a few more nice photos of Gail. If you'd like to see them, click here.

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What's that smell?

No doubt you've noticed how technology is being used with increased frequency to produce visually interesting and perplexing TV commercials. One of my current favourites is an Old Spice commercial that really caught my attention the first time I saw it. Not only does it use tricks, but the premise is also very amusing. See for yourself...




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The Mover

A year or so ago, I noticed a very nice girl's voice singing a jingle in a TV commercial. I forget which ad it was. Anyway, several months later, I heard the same, unmistakable voice in another commercial. Since then, the disembodied voice keeps popping up with more and more frequency. The jingles are always pleasant and uplifting.

Several weeks, ago, after hearing the same disembodied voice singing a background song in a TV show, it started to drive me crazy. Who is this woman, and why haven't I heard or read anything about her obvious popularity. About two days after that, lo and behold, the voice came from my daughter's room! I raced over and begged her--"Who belongs to that voice?!"

She tells me the name I was so curious about. I need to explain right now that my daughter watches very little TV. When I related to her what I just have to you, she had no idea of the phenomenon that was taking place. I went to my PC and found out all about this young recording star. As I suspected, she burst onto the recording scene with great success.

The reason I was inspired to write this tonight is that the artist blew me away. I mean even more so than before. I was watching TV and she sang her jingles in two consecutive commercials. The first was for Coffee Mate, and the second was for McDonald's.

By now, you may be wondering what has this post's title "The Mover" got to do with a singer. Allow me to let you in on what was to me the best kept secret in the recording industry. Her name is Emilie Mover. She is a Canadian musician with a stunningly beautiful, captivating voice and whose simple ballads are deliciously sweet.

If you've never heard of her or her music, here are a few tidbits to whet your appetite.














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KFC set to unleash bunless Double Down sandwich on America

First there was the Double Big Mac. Then came the Baconator. Now KFC is triumphantly laying claim to the World's meatiest and - in our opinion - most nutritionally-challenged sandwich. Their recipe? Two strips of bacon, two slices of cheese and a healthy dollop of the Colonel's Sauce all sandwiched between (insert drum roll please) two thick and juicy filets of deep-fried chicken. That's right, this sandwich is so serious it doesn't need a bun.

The whole story.

How long before the U.S. government starts spying on KFC patrons so as to disqualify them from health insurance?







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What is the world coming to?

I happened to catch the following promo for a show on a specialty channel called Slice. I guess it's the channel formerly known as The Life Network (slice of life?) Anyway, the show is called Shear Genius and is about hair stylists competing for who knows what--perhaps a shot at fame an fortune like most of the other "reality" shows.

I'm no prude--I've been around the block more times than most people, but something in the commercial took me by surprise--so much so, that I wasn't sure I heard it right. I jumped up and went to YouTube to see if I could find it.

As it turns out, my hearing seems to be fine, but I take little pleasure in learning this. I find the spot in the ad disgusting and in my opinion, not appropriate for general consumption. Civility is dead, it would seem. I would have liked to have attended the funeral--I was a big fan of it for a very long time. Listen to the commercial and tell me what you think about the bit at about 24 seconds in.




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A glimpse into the future

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Simple act of kindness

Today, while walking, I came face to face with a dishevelled old man who quickly gave me his sob story before I could walk out of earshot. "I'm on the street and I'd like to get some lunch. Can you spare any change?" I politely declined his request and continued on.

I took about 20 steps and then started to feel sorry for him. I thought to myself that he'd probably just spend any money given to him on booze or drugs. He didn't seem quite all there. Then I thought that whatever he does with it, it'll be something he deems more necessary at the moment to help him cope with his obviously unpleasant circumstances. He may need to escape from his problems for a while or he may indeed need to eat something.

I dug into my pocket and found a couple of Toonies (Canadian $2 coins). I turned around and started back just in time to see another man solicited and reject the pan handler. I walked up and told him "Here, take this" and dropped the coins into his outstretched hand. He looked at me, then at the coins in his still outstretched hand and then back at me as if he couldn't comprehend what had just happened. Finally, he said "Thanks a lot, chief. You're very kind". I mumbled "No problem" as I turned to go on my way. He remained where he was and continued to shower me with accolades of gratitude as I put distance between us.

A few minutes later, I stopped at an intersection waiting for traffic to ease and he caught up with me and continued with the thanks, etc. I couldn't help but smile at the situation and as I crossed the road, he remained there again continuing "God bless you..."

Well, it gave me a lift for the rest of the afternoon, which got me to thinking: Which one of us got the bigger lift from the transaction?

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Sister Mary Ann

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,

'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'

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Wave at the nice policeman

Thank God most criminals are dumb. We might be in serious trouble, otherwise. Case in point:

A young man walking along a highway near Kenora, Ontario, Canada spotted a police car going by and took the opportunity to "flip the bird", give a "middle finger salute" or whatever you want to call the rude gesture. The cop turned his vehicle around and stopped to chat with the guy.

During the exchange, it came to light that the man was carrying a number of stolen items, including two credit cards, a GPS, an IPod charger and a BlackBerry. The 19-year-old was charged with possession of stolen property.

The police officer said "A simple wave would have been a wiser choice".

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Heh...I was right on

Raptors lose by 13 in another of a long string of uninspired efforts. This, to a team whose record is only better than two teams in the entire NBA. A women's team can beat Raps on most nights. No offence to women.

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By how many points...

...will the Raptors lose to the lowly 21-47 Golden State who have lost their last six? 5 points? 10 points? 15? More?

Raptors, who have lost 7 of their last 8, have given a much-needed lift to several teams lately who were in a slump. Multi-million dollar contracts and they get out of the way every time the opposition heads to the basket. Three nights ago, Sacramento scored almost half their points with layups and 43 points in the third quarter alone. I think it's disgusting. Frankly, I don't know why anyone would want to pay to watch them. It's sick. And sickening.

Do the honourable thing and find another line of work. Here's a novel idea: earn your money. White and blue-collar workers alike are mostly not thrilled with their co-workers, bosses and working conditions, yet they bust their humps for their few shekels. With a multi-million dollar salary, why can't you put whatever BS is bothering your sensibilities aside and do your job?! If not for your employer, do it for your own pride and/or for your fans.

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I love Calderon, but I couldn't resist

Click on image to enlarge.






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Could you use a chuckle?

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time
on the right feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,

'Why didn't you say so?', like she wanted to. Once again, she
struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little
feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.


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Q & A's from around the web

How can i get sharpie out of my jeans?

Aw...what a cute pet name you have for your boyfriend!

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Q & A's from around the web

I have a St. Bernard/Mastiff mix in my home and I am thinking of getting a chihuahua. Is it safe?

I wouldn't advise it. There's a very good chance that the bigger dog would at some point bitch-slap the Chihuahua for his tacos.

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Q & A's from around the web

Whats the speed of Dark? theres the speed of light..but not dark...?

being there is the speed of light which is e=mc2 is the therum of it being sent to your eye in a matter of millaseconds dark has no speed because the light receptors in your eye do not recieve the pigment it takes to see so there is no actual speed just like dark holes because the gravity is so strong it doesnt even let light out. AMAZING

The gentleman who posted the answer above cited the source of his knowledge as "I study In Science".

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Q & A's from around the web

Can alcohol kill a fresh herpes virus?

Booze is probably responsible for you getting it in the first place. And quite possibly in the second place.


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Born that way

Even very young children exhibit innate characteristics of their sex. Here are a couple of examples of such behaviours.




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In the news...

NBA Cleveland Cavaliers player, Anderson Varejao, has been suspended by the team for moonlighting as an actor. It came to light that Varejao has been guest starring on the popular Fox Network show The Simpsons as Sideshow Bob.




(Varejao as himself in the upper image.)


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What a world

The amazing low price immediately catches your eye! Then, you notice that this great price is for an all-inclusive. Even better! Well, almost all-inclusive--it doesn't include the $320 in taxes that the fine print tells you about. Still, a great price by any standards, but why such exorbitant taxes? If the airlines and hotels can offer such a wonderful deal, why does the government feel the need to take more than half the total cost of the product/service? Kinda makes you want to shake the livin' crap out of the nearest politician, doesn't it?



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Faux News...or is it Fake News?

Fox News likes to proclaim themselves "fair and balanced", so imagine my surprise when I googled "republican party politics" and found "www.foxnews.com" was the third website listed. Imagine my grin when the next website down was "www.gopusa.com". Now, imagine my laughter when the next website turned out to be "www.republicans.org". When it comes to fair and balanced republican reporting, Fox News is clearly "on top".


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Q & A's from around the web

im nauseaious in the morning, boobs are kind of sore, back aches, headaches, butterflies in my stomach, and horrible headaches. could i be pregnant?

you might be pregnant but it might be in your head.

It's very unlikely you're pregnant in your head, unless of course...


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Be sure to watch this to the end...

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Just a creative and funny video I came across...

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Q & A's from around the web

What tv show character are you most like?

Tarzan. I keep spanking my monkey.



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Live ladies to fill dead air

Canadian actress Elisha Cuthbert is the former co-host of the TV series Popular Mechanics for Kids. She can be seen now in the TV series 24.






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Live ladies to fill dead air

Since I seem to have little to post about lately, I decided to fill some of the dead air with some very live ladies. I mean to grace these pages with very lovely images. First up is Tiffani Thiessen. You may remember her from the popular teen TV series Saved by the Bell. The lil girl growed up real good. Most recently, she can be seen on White Collar.

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Photo ageing

From CSI Las Vegas, Marg Helgenburger pictured below...



...will become Joan Rivers in 25 years...



In fairness to Joan, here's a more flattering picture of her...



You shouldn't be having such thoughts about a 70ish gal.


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Photo ageing

Is it just me or does Camryn Manheim look like Drew Barrymore might look 15 years (and 50 pounds) from now?

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America, the beautiful

If anyone has ever wondered about (traditional) American economic superiority, I'd like to enlighten you with a simple example of the types of tricks, deception and fraud that has been a mainstay of American business. We won't get into the intimidation, threats and empty promises in this piece, but they, too, are part and parcel of what makes America "great".

Subpoenas have been issued by the New York State attorney's office to three marketing companies: Webloyalty, Affinion and Vertrue. These firms have allegedly misled consumers for years into joining membership programs and paying monthly fees. Typically, the three firms present pop-up ads to online shoppers when they're finalizing a transaction with one of as many as 22 known "respected" web retailers such as Staples, 1-800-Flowers.com and Orbitz. Some consumers have said the ads appear to be a discount coupon from the retailer.

From ZDNet: The ads offer discounts or cash back coupons if the shopper will only provide an e-mail address or username. Buried in the fine print however, are the full terms, which state that by providing an e-mail address, the customer is agreeing to sign up for a membership program and authorizing their credit card to be charged sometimes as much as $20 a month. How can these marketers charge credit cards without the owners giving them their card information? Simple, they buy it from well-respected merchants, such as Continental Airlines, Priceline and Buy.com.

Gimme a break. These bastids are happy to sell their loyal customers' credit card numbers to unscrupulous, perhaps criminal companies. Proof, once again, that when it comes to ethics, morality, and relationships, the almighty dollar trumps...especially in America.


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The future is here

NASA recently said that it is working on a personal flying suit.

Called “Puffin,” the conceptual and highly experimental project is part one-man stealth plane, part personal jet pack.

Unveiled at a San Francisco meeting of the American Helicopter Society on Jan. 20 by Mark D. Moore, an aerospace engineer at NASA’s Langley Research Center, the Puffin promises — on paper at least — a self-contained design with proper “cockpit” and helicopter-style blades that allow for high-altitude flying up to 30,000 ft.

The Puffin is intended to be 12 feet in length, with a total wingspan of 14.5 ft., and would tip the scales at 300 pounds, empty. It will be powered by a 60 horsepower electric motor for simplicity, reliability and low environmental impact.

The reason for this conceptual device? Covert military missions (”swoop and shoot”) or rescue operations.

Take a look at the video:

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Pizza lovers!

I hereby declare a name for the unknown force which during baking moves all pizza toppings that have been placed right to the edge of the pie inward about two full inches. It's like the opposite of centrifugal force. Instead of stuff gravitating outward, it goes inward. It shall henceforth be referred to as "Vinny's Edge".




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