Sweet Nothings

I want to talk about something that has been bugging my ass for some time. Literally. I'd like to know whose idea it was to replace the soft, fabric tags on underwear with plastic ones. This guy (or gal) should be forced to wear his product until the day (s)he dies. By that time, death would be welcomed, I'm sure. You never even knew you had a tag on your arse before, but these new tags make it impossible to sit, stand or move around without the damn tag scratching you raw.

If you're lucky enough to not know w-t-h I'm talking about, these little plastic tags are on the inside of underwear, both underpants and undershirts and contain things like size, washing instructions, etc. The problem is that each time these things go through a wash and dry cycle, they shrink and dry out and become brittle and jagged almost like pieces of glass--not the best material to have chafing the back of your neck or the back of your ass. Whether your ass has a back is a subject for another day.

As if paying to be viscously maimed isn't bad enough, it's almost impossible to remove these blasted tags--at least after they've been through the dryer. They must use glue more powerful than Superglue. God forbid a tag may actually come loose after a few years of wear. Clearly, the manufacturer wanted to make sure at all costs that they'd never be named in a suit for the serious charge of "unlawful displacement of an underwear tag".

One day when I had a few hours to kill, I managed to remove the three or four tags off of one pair of underwear. The problem, though, is that it is my custom to buy four to six pairs of underwear whenever I decide it's time to top up my supply, so I'm stuck with having to store my "valuables" close to these dangerous devices for the foreseeable future.

Are you listening Hanes? I'll be happy to forget the whole sordid affair for a few multi-packs (size S, according to the impression currently on my butt) of the wonderful underwear I've been buying with your name on them ever since I can remember...provided they are of the "classic" design. When it comes to tags, I'd prefer sweet nothings.


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Life in the fast lane

Many times I have bored people with accounts of why I dislike as a group, several professions. They are mostly the usual ones we all have good reason to hate--lawyers, politicians, and despite the dedication and good work of most of them, doctors. This last group because we put our lives in their hands from birth and often right up to death, but some of them cause us more grief than anyone else could given the chance.

Well, today, I'm adding one that I often forget to include. I'm sure you'll agree it is a fine addition to this list of infamy. Mechanics. Not necessarily mechanics per se, but the establishment they work at as a whole. Leaving alone for the time being the shoddy work that sometimes leads to life endangering events, I'm talking about their propensity for unscrupulous recommendations for unnecessary work and gouging both for parts and labour.

Case in point: I was recently stranded and needed a boost to get going. The following day, I took my car to the same place I have been going for about 15 years and to which I have given, as you can imgine, huge sums of money during that time. I figured it was either the battery not holding a charge or else the alternator not charging the battery. I figured if it's the alternator, I'll be looking at a total cost of about $700.

I should mention here that a life truth concerning garages has become evident. "Where there are multiple possibilities of a what the problem is, most of them and others will be found to be the cause."

I got the call--it's going to run me about $600. I won't leave you wondering what I'm complaining about for too long. That price does not include a new alternator. It's for a new battery, to clean up the terminals, replace the alternator belt and doing an oil change which was due, anyway. The bastids charged me $110 plus tax just to diagnose the problem--as if that took more than two minutes and two brain cells to do. With tax, they charged me almost $200 just to replace the damn belt, an item I'm sure costs them about $20.

They also recommended I replace my air filter and all four tires; the latter I said "no" to. I find it interesting that just over a year ago, when I brought my car in to be diagnosed for the smoke that had billowed out from under the hood, they found absolutely nothing wrong (and charged me about $100 for the "good" news), yet when you bring it in for some specific work, they seem to find a whole host of things that need attention, and of course, a sack of money to "fix".

You'd think with so many evil, selfish and uncaring "mechanics" out there, that people would find a good and reputable one and stick with them. The sad truth is that there are so few honest people in the profession, that it's like finding a needle in a haystack. If you're lucky enough to find/have found one, cherish him/her--they are more precious than your soul-mate. In comparison, soul-mates are a dime a dozen.


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If you like seeing uncommon things...

...as much as I do...






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A stark contrast

The following two stories appeared today on my Google News page separated only by a story on Iran's nuclear ambitions.

The first story came out of the U.S. and bore this headline:

4 police officers shot dead at Wash. coffeehouse

The other described how a very controversial issue is threatening to tear Switzerland apart:

Swiss Vote to Ban New Minarets

Now, if you're unaware or unsure of what a minaret is, let me let you in on this explosive controversy. A minaret is a slender tower attached to a mosque that traditionally is used as a "call to prayer" for Muslims, but in modern times and modern countries, including Switzerland, minarets are not used for anything other than traditional "window dressing".

While I am sympathetic to Muslims, and appreciate the affront on the sensibilities of some of them (the 10% of Swiss Muslims that actually adhere to traditional Muslim codes), quite frankly, the contrast between these two stories was very vivid to me. Four people dedicated to serving the public and upholding the laws of the land were brutally attacked and savagely murdered in broad daylight is something I think all would agree is far more egregious than offending anyone's sensibilities.

Let's face it, the social issues that face America are and have always been far more grave than those of most countries, especially when you exclude third word countries whose extreme poverty is usually the cause of their problems. Such attacks as described in this story are not isolated but can be considered a way of life for Americans. My take is that when you treat people with less than the dignity human beings deserve, you should expect them to act in ways only subhumans would. Providing basic health care to all is a good step in the right direction.

From the aforementioned story...

Last month, Seattle police officer Timothy Brenton was shot and killed Halloween night as he was sitting in a cruiser with trainee Britt Sweeney. Sweeney was grazed in the neck.

The U.S. is the serial killer and mass murder capital of the world. This is no accident. You reap what you sow. My heart goes out to the families of the victims, but until Americans realize that it is their politics that drive people to such depths, they should expect the carnage to continue. No amount of cops and super prisons will fix this problem. Wake up, America.

And to Switzerland...Don't go spoiling the fine reputation you have spent more than half a century cultivating. It doesn't look good on you.


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Poker room chat

Three guys (Sweet Elias is a male) vying for the affections of a young woman (Alma) in a play money poker room...

Sean Stevens: hi sweetheart love u so much
Vinny Marino: I must have come to the dating site by mistake.
Sweet elias A: hi
C Alma Zaldivar: hi sweety
Sweet elias A: h r u ?
C Alma Zaldivar: im f9 and u
Sweet elias A: me to thax
C Alma Zaldivar: ty fot the comments u send me
Sweet elias A: always welcome
Sweet elias A: ty
Sean Stevens: flower for my lovely woman
Sweet elias A: nice
Jimmy Clarck: hi babe
Sean Stevens: back off clarck
Jimmy Clarck: our dog is here
Jimmy Clarck: hi Sean
Jimmy Clarck: plz Sean
Jimmy Clarck: can you bark little
Sean Stevens: now ur the dog who follow us
C Alma Zaldivar: shut up both of u
Jimmy Clarck: follow us?
Jimmy Clarck: ****
Sean Stevens: as u say sweetheart
Jimmy Clarck: she will not answer you
Jimmy Clarck: she ignore you
Jimmy Clarck: hunnie
Sean Stevens: she ask me not to talk to u bastered
Jimmy Clarck: is it right babe???
Jimmy Clarck: answer this shi t dog
C Alma Zaldivar: i said stop fighting like animals infront of others
Jimmy Clarck: is it right?
Jimmy Clarck: did you say this?
C Alma Zaldivar: i said to shut up both of u


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Home alone kitty

Being a cat lover, I had to share this...

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Michael Jackson stunt?

I have no idea whether this is a doctored image or not, but either way, it's spectacular--either for the extraordinary circumstances and moment captured, or for the amazing skill in photoshopping.





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Sign of the times

Today, on one of Canada's largest communications services company's web site, an item read "...click on it's corresponding button". Of course, "it's" should not have an apostrophe. As far as I'm concerned, anyone who can't write basic English is not to be trusted with anything more than taking out the garbage. If your web designer can't write in the English language, what makes you think he can competently write in computer languages which are orders of magnitude more complex? This might explain why so many programs don't work correctly.

If your developer's first language is not English, he may very well be a great programmer, but for darn sake, have someone check their English. In any case, it's very clear from the way the stench of bad code permeates throughout the web, that good developers are as rare as good writers of English.

Back in the day, to be a programmer, you needed a degree in computer science, a good score on an I.Q. test, to be personable, have good hygiene, own a blue suit and know someone. Today, you need...to know someone.

A lesson in photography

I'm a big fan of good photography and this is an example of excellent work. Notice the exquisite use of lighting; the contrasting colours; the breeze through the hair. The stark background with straight lines accentuate the curves of the subject in the foreground. The hard and jagged wall gives truth to the softness and smoothness before it.




Okay, I really posted this because she's so damn hott...and because of the great airbrush job...sorta. That and the fact she was staring at me from the page where I got the subject of my previous post. By the way, her name is Lucy Pinder.

Top Ten List

I came across by accident, as is often the case, an interesting "top ten" list. The list itself isn't so much intriguing, but some of the quotes and beliefs of some of the occupants of the list, are. The list is "Top Ten Manhaters". When I got down to about the 7th spot on the list, I could hardly imagine what could possibly outdo what I had already read. Here's just a smattering...

#10 Comedienne Joan Rivers: “I need a man to spoil me or I don’t need a man at all"

#8 Actress Sharon Stone: Stone was quoted saying men aren’t masculine enough anymore and that she’s considering dating a woman for a change.

#7 Politician Renuka Chowdhary: "You cannot trust men or your husbands to be sexually responsible."

#5 Author Marilyn French: One of her characters states: "All men are rapists, and that’s all they are. They rape us with their eyes, laws and codes.” In another work she says directly: "Men’s need to dominate women may be based on their own emptiness.

#3 Activist Nikki Craft: She aims to overthrow "male patriarchy". Craft is a follower of former radical feminist Andrea Dworkin -- who once claimed that all heterosexual sex is degrading to women and dooms women to be victims. She actually criticizes men who support her and the feminist cause.

#2 Sally Miller Gearhart: She wants to kill men. At least 10% of us, anyway. In a feminist manifesto, Gearhart calls for females to be given responsibility for the human species. As caretakers, they would then thin down our population by the magic 10% number.

#1 Professor Mary Daly: In 1998, Daly elevated herself to manhating fame at Boston College for refusing to teach men. She was quickly stripped of her tenure. In one of her books she claimed that men drain the life force of women. In an interview, she said "If life is to survive on this planet, it needs to decontaminate itself with a reduction of the male population.”

The full list is here.

No explanation required

Internet culture

I stumbled upon an apparent social networking site that appeared to me to be based in India. I glanced at a few home pages and marvelled at some of the profile names. Some appeared decidedly Indian in flavour, ironically because they lacked spice, while others I found to be amusing as they remind one of decadently western fare...or flair, as the case may be.

Before starting this post, I checked the suffix (.fr) from the site and found that it is, in fact, from Micronesia, for what it's worth. The name of the site is Shtyle. Your guess is as good as mine whether it has anything to do with "Style".

Names like **ANGEL** *LOVE U ALL* and The Brave Heart can be expected to be chosen by a person of any culture, though for some reason, they give me the impression of non-western choices.

Here's one that starts out sort of ambiguous and then ends somewhat American sounding: °o.O Maddy °o.O™ Keep honking. I'm reloading.

Here's one that is unambiguous to start and then quickly becomes western, spelling notwithstanding. On second thought, I guess misspelling is as western as it is anything else:
Dr.Sumit dalal (Jat Risky After Wisky)

As might be expected, a sprinkling of sexy/suggestive names is evident, like
the coolest chic in hell . In this case, the possible origin is hinted by the accompanying photo of a young woman's lower back with the name "Harshita" tattooed on it.

There's no doubt about this one: life is full of struggle..keep on learning

I had to go through about five pages of names to find a humorous one, although I'm fairly certain the owner meant it more as a political statement: ASIF....:: I GOT HIGH AND NOBODY DIED::

Here's something you don't see every day

Only in America

This guy's arguments have more holes than Swiss cheese. He actually tries to suggest that insider trading be legalized. Among his myriad of reasons: "The average investor is already at a disadvantage." What the--? It's akin to suggesting that robbery of the mentally handicapped should be legal.

I think beating the arrogant to a pulp should be legalized. Think of the last idiotic thing you heard some moron say. Now, imagine beating the snot out of him/her. Wouldn't you love for the law to be on your side? Judge: "Plaintiff is a moron--my ruling is for the defendant."

The Story/video interview.

Deep, philosophical question

Why do I have to pay for unlimited TV watching if I only watch a few hours per month? Why isn't all TV programming "pay per view"? It's like driving your car 100 miles per month but paying for as much gas as if you drove it 24/7. WTF? Why aren't there the multitude of packages and options that we see for phone (land or mobile) service? I mean besides the fact it would be more fair and provide less profit for our overlords. It's like having to buy a public transit monthly pass when you only need to travel once per week. WTF? It's like wanting a coffee and doughnut but every restaurant forces you to pay $20 for all-you can-eat. WTF? Feel free to post your own analogy in the "Comments" section. And don't forget to tack on "WTF?" on the end.

The future is here

DETROIT (AP) — Police in California say General Motors’ OnStar communications system stopped a dangerous high-speed chase and helped them capture a carjacking suspect by disabling a stolen sport utility vehicle.

Police say it all began about 3 a.m. when a 21-year-old man used a sawed-off shotgun to take a Chevrolet Tahoe from two men in a parking lot.

Police contacted OnStar, which found the Tahoe by using a global positioning system. Two officers spotted the SUV but the driver sped off. That’s when OnStar operators sent a signal that slowed the Tahoe to a halt.

The surprised thief ran off but was quickly captured when he fell into a backyard swimming pool.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How long before every car is equipped with such a system?

Will car thieves be permanently put out of business?

What will they resort to, instead?

Q ands A's from around the web

Is sex is important in a relationship....For pre-marital sex????affirmative side...?

It's not as important as being able to communicate your thoughts clearly. WTF are you blabbering about?

Rogers--the saga ends

In the interest of not boring you to death, I'll write the Readers Digest version of this personal story. I wrote the previous sentence before having written the story. Let me apologize ahead of time for the length of this sordid tale.

Last year, bugs in the log-in process for my cable TV provider's website prevented me from getting in to view my account. I used to log in monthly to make sure I knew the right amount to pay since I had signed up for paperless billing. At the time, I felt I did the right thing for the environment, myself and Rogers Cable.

Anyway, I called them up to report the problem and they assured me they would fix it and that I should try it again in 30 minutes...which I did...and which they didn't. Various permutations of this scenario repeated itself from every few days to every few weeks between myself and a different customer service rep for the next three months or so.

On my next call I angrily told the agent that I was tired of repeating my story without results and demanded to speak to a manager. Rather than apologizing to me, the agent instead raised his voice to me saying that if I wanted him to help me, I need to tell him what the issue was. I told him again that I wanted to speak to his manager. He gave me an ultimatum:"Do you want my help or not?" I was equally adamant in my demand: "I want to speak to your manager". The next thing I know, the phone went dead. The S-O-B actually had the gall to hang up on me.

I sat there incredulous for a few minutes collecting my thoughts. I vowed then that I would terminate my service with this company--a company I had given my business to for some 25 years. Unfortunately, since then, I have been unable to find a suitable replacement. However...

Recently, I was talking to someone I know who works at Rogers who told me that it is well known within the company that their customer service leaves a lot to be desired. He gave me the name and e-mail address of someone newly appointed to deal with dissatisfied customers. I immediately sent out an e-mail and basically relayed my disgust about how I was treated and that I intend to terminate my TV service because of it.

That was last Thursday. Late this afternoon (Tuesday), there was still no response. I phoned Rogers to follow through on my promise. Of course, I was asked why I decided to cancel. I said "Frankly, your customer service sucks". At his urging, I repeated one last time the sordid story. He genuinely seemed appalled.

He proceeded to profusely alternate between apologizing and making offerings of discounts and free hardware. I refused his "trinkets" and told him that if others in his company that I had dealt with were as cordial and understanding of the value of a good and loyal customer, neither his company nor I would find ourselves in the current situation.

The kicker, and the word is very appropriate since it really is Rogers last kick at me, is that their policy is that the service is not terminated for 30 days from the date of cancellation. As mind-boggling as it seems to me that they can get away with such a ludicrous thing, I didn't even bother to argue the point.

Sooo, I will be sans TV service one month from now. I'm sure I will miss it--after all, I've been an addict since I was a small child. But, like going cold turkey on any addiction, the pain will ease over time, and I expect a full recovery. And I wish nothing but the...worst for the longtime supplier of my "fix".

Goodbye and good riddance to bad rubbish.

Here kitty, kitty...

CALGARY, Alberta (Reuters) – A man suffered injuries to his arms after he and a friend hopped the fence at a Canadian zoo early on Monday and stuck his hands into the tiger exhibit, zoo officials said.

Calgary Zoo said the two men sneaked into the facility after midnight and headed to the Siberian tiger enclosure, where one of the men climbed over an outer fence.

"He did not enter the exhibit, but did come into contact with one of the tigers and sustained significant injuries to his arms," the zoo said in a statement.

Alerted to the situation, security guards took the alleged intruders to their office, where the injured man was treated before being rushed to hospital.

Police are investigating.

Focus, people!

I have seen a lot of strange things in my time. And I have seen a lot of stupid people in my time. But what I witnessed today was one of the strangest and stupidest things I have ever seen a person do.

It has always irritated me when drivers are too ignorant, lazy, stupid, careless or in too much of a hurry to slow down and pull over when an emergency vehicle is blaring its siren for people to get out of the way. Virtually every time there is such an emergency, there are drivers who blatantly disregard the fact that their failure to give way could mean someone loses their life.

On this day, I was approaching the street (as a pedestrian) when I heard a nearby siren. I looked in the direction of the sound and watched an ambulance slowly cross against a red light. As it approached a second traffic light very near me, the light turned red. It stopped at the intersection with its siren blaring away, waiting to make sure the way was clear to proceed. Simultaneously, a teen-aged school girl stepped off the sidewalk perpendicular to the ambulance across the street. All cars and pedestrians had stopped and looked on at the scene unfolding.

The girl nonchalantly strolled across the street seemingly oblivious to the blaring siren and flashing lights of the ambulance stopped not 30 feet away. She did not stop and signal for the ambulance to pass. She did not quicken her pace so as not to delay the ambulance further. In fact, she did not even look up at the ambulance. What she did do, and I imagine it was because she felt all eyes were on her and she was feeling self conscious, was raise a hand to her hair and lightly brush it aside. It was so surreal that it seemed I was having a dream.

As she reached the opposite side and the ambulance finally started on its way again, I wanted to rush up to her and scream "WAKE UP, YOU MORON!"

Here's a visual aid of the scene:

Dubai development

If you haven't seen or heard about what's going on in the city of Dubai, you may want to strap yourself in for this. Rather than bore you with mere words on your screen, let me show you a few mind-blowing images followed by a breathtaking video that will introduce you to the waterfront development of that already spectacular city. You can easily find out more details if you're interested.

Here are a series of images showing just one development featuring man-made islands on the Dubai coastline:

I'm ok

Apparently, the following TV commercial aired during the 2009 Super Bowl last January, but I saw it for the first time just now. It struck me as very true to life, with a little artistic exaggeration for effect. I hope it makes you grin like I did. Ladies, this is a peek into the male psyche. Enjoy.

Funnier then werds

My left ear lobe is swollen, about two months had it pierced now. Could it be infected?

I'm not sure, but your first sentence might also be infected. It looks mighty sick. It at least has a fever. It may even be delirious.

From Urban Dictionary:

T Dot

A uneducated person's way of saying Toronto, often used by young, white, suburban, middle-class men who mix ebonics into everyday vocabulary because they want to:

(a) act like they are from the ghetto
(b) act like they are black
(c) think they are real gangsters because they commit petty crimes and think they can intimidate people by talking like that but often get beaten down by the real gangsters when found using such vocabulary

I iz from da T dot yo....I jus snatched yo mama's purse cause eyez needz my crack yo!

Ripped from the headlines

ASPEN, Colo. - A Pomeranian has been kicked out of a Colorado resort town after getting in trouble for biting and other bad behaviour.

Municipal Judge Brooke Peterson told the dog's owner, Melinda Goldrich, that if the dog is seen again in Aspen, it will be rounded up by animal control officers and put to death. Goldrich was in court Wednesday on a charge of keeping a vicious dog.

An Aspen fitness club employee told The Aspen Times that the Pomeranian, named Gizmo, bit her in August while it was tied to a fence. The dog served 10 days in an animal shelter.

Goldrich had been under a court order to not leave Gizmo unattended after the dog bit another person in February. She also was cited in 2006 for the animal's bad behaviour.

Here's a picture of the vicious animal:

The wheels of justice

Recently, I noticed a deposit made into my RRSP (401-K for American readers) account. There was a notation that this was the proceeds of the class-action law suit against Nortel Networks. For those of you not familiar with the case, senior executives at the (former) behemoth communications company conspired to perpetrate accounting fraud that resulted in perhaps millions of investors losing almost one third of a trillion dollars. Criminal charges against those principles are still in the courts.

Hundreds of thousands of people, myself included, had their life savings wiped out. Right now, you might be thinking "Good for you--you got your money back". Let me give you a clue as to how much of my money I actually got back--I did not break out the champagne when I saw the amount of the deposit. In fact, I'm not sure that it could buy a bottle of Dom Perignon. I chuckled--it was so laughable. I lost almost $400,000 and a successful law suit netted me $199. That's right. There's no missing zeros--one hundred and ninety nine dollars. What I would really like to know is how many tens of millions of dollars the lawyers got for getting me my $199.

The kicker to all this is how much more money lawyers stand to make by defending the thieves and cheats behind all this misery. I'd be willing to bet my $199 that most if not all the guilty will get off with a slap on the wrist if not outright. It's no wonder that things never change. There is no justice.

No birds were harmed during the making of this blog post

Yesterday, I made one of my regular visits to Woodbine raceway, but my visit was anything but regular. I had saved a few slices of old bread to feed to the birds which are always in great abundance on the grounds. There's everything from sparrows to seagulls to Canada geese.

As I exited my car, I immediately spotted a seagull close by. I threw a piece of bread toward him, he let out a squawk and flew away from me for a second, then quickly turned back when he realized what it was I had thrown, snapped it up and took flight. He did so because another seagull had been watching the events unfold from about 25 yards away and was chasing him in no time flat. The pursuer squawked all the while he was in hot pursuit.

I guess the commotion roused a few other gulls from even farther away and as they approached, I threw them another piece of bread. The "lucky" bird who was quick enough to get it was mobbed by the other birds trying to get a piece of the action. I threw another morsel and the scene repeated itself. All the while these birds were making a racket.

As I continued throwing bread, the volume of birds and the volume of their squawking kept rising. Soon they were walking, squawking and flying all around me. I quickened my bread-throwing in an effort to finish it and get the hell out of there. I felt certain that at any moment, Alfred Hitchcock would appear and call off the birds. My last thought as I ran to escape was that at any second I would surely get bombarded by some big, wet, green excrement.

Somehow, I managed to avoid such a disaster. As I neared the entrance, I reflected how different this experience was from the other times I had brought bread there. Rarely had any birds even noticed me and if they did, it was usually a single sparrow who reaped the benefit of my generosity, sometimes under the watchful eye of a black squirrel. It was always a very peaceful scene. From now on, I think I'll just dump all my bread and run. I'm really not looking for any kind of "payment" for it.

Frustration explained

Is it possible to dislike Beatles music?

The recent release of the new Beatles electronic game (and subsequent remastered works) has brought out the Beatles haters in force. I have always wondered how--no, more like questioned, whether someone can genuinely not like their music. I have explored this question from every angle I can think of...and have not yet found a plausible case for disliking the genre. I call it "genre" because it is a body of work large enough and different enough to warrant it.

And that brings me to my conclusion that it is not possible to hate Beatles music. I will concede that with a mild brain defect, it is fathomable that one may dislike many of the tunes the Fab Four produced. After all, some people don't like steak. Others still, don't like lobster. Therein lies the rub and the crux of my argument. The Beatles "buffet" consists of not only juicy steak and succulent lobster, but also lasagna, cherries, ice cream, cheesecake and several other recipes I can't put my finger on at the moment.

You tell me, dear reader, how anyone cannot find something to enjoy in that array. From She Loves You to Twist and Shout to Sgt. Pepper to Something to Back in the USSR to Long and Winding Road to--I'd better stop myself here or I might name every one of their songs. Their music spans much of the universe of sound. From the child-like tunes to the amazingly crafted ones, there's something for every taste. To continue the gastronomic metaphor, to say you don't like Beatles music is like saying "I don't like food".

So, to those who insist they hate the Beatles, I can only feel sorry for you...just as I feel sorry for those who suffer from anorexia...or mental illness.

Here's something you don't see every day...

Switching sides

The Pacific island nation of Samoa has become the first country in decades to change driving sides. And it is likely the first time any country is switching from the right to the left - every other change has been the other way around. About 70 per cent of the world population drives on the right-hand side of the road - just like drivers in Pompeii and other ancient cities did. This is partly due to a larger cultural preference for right-handed activities.

But despite the enormous hurdles – physical, economic and political – that any move to change the driving side has to face, many countries have made the switch to match up with neighbours. Like Canada did in the 1920s and Sweden did as late as 1967. The current change in Samoa is ostensibly to help people get the benefit of cheap, used vehicles from richer neighbours Australia and New Zealand that drive on the left.

Did you know?

In 1698, Russia's Peter the Great imposed a tax on beards.

Everyone's favourite tax lawyer

Famed tax lawyer, Roni Deutch is asked what other career she might have pursued had she not become a lawyer.

Funnier then werds

Let's face it--English is butchered every second of every day on iPhones, Blackberries and the internet. But, every once in a while, I come across some spelling or grammar that demands special mention. I just saw the following...

when i get through with them they minus well die

The context indicates that this person meant to say "they might as well die". I'm guessing she also failed math.

Canadian humour

An RCMP officer stops at a ranch up in Iron Mountain, B.C. and talks with

the old ranch owner.

He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown

drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of

the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and

removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See

this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish..on any

land. No questions asked or

answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the RCMP officer

running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.. With every

step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The officer is clearly

terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and

yells at the top of his lungs.....'Your badge! Show him your f***ing

badge!'

Q & A's from around the web

Are there any biochemistry test that can differentiate human blood and blood from other species?

They can tell anything and everything from blood. They can tell if the owner/doner is left handed and has a coin collection.

What's wrong with people?

For about the last 7 years, I had been going to a particular gas station regularly. On most occasions, I only put in $20 worth of gas. Unless I'm planning a long trip, this is my modus operandi. When pumping gas, I tend to stop the pump a cent or two before the amount I want, just to make sure I don't go over. Recently, for the first time in at least fifteen years, I wasn't paying close attention and I stopped the pump at $20.04.

I went in to pay, pulled out a stack of 20's, having just gone to the bank, handed the clerk, which I knew to be a partner in the business, $20 and asked him if he wanted the four cents. To my surprise, he said "Yes, please". He did not say, "If you have the change", or "Pay me next time" or any other reasonable thing one might expect from a clerk speaking to a long-time customer. Taken aback, I was left dumbfounded. I knew I didn't have any change, so I peeled off a $20 bill and handed it to him. He willingly gave me $19.96 change rather than opt for any other arrangement.

That was several months ago. Since then, I have avoided going to that particular gas station. The man's actions cost him one of his best customers--over four cents. An amount that I had over my many purchases given him far more than. He has lost my business forever.

Biker Bar Barbie

Tax the stupid

Since there's never been any agreement on who should pay how much tax, I'm going to resolve the issue right here.

Yesterday, I was at the mall and I walked over to a "garbage bin" to discard a coffee cup. There were three separate containers for three types of garbage. I gazed into the "Glass and Plastic Bottles" bin, which was almost half full and was quite surprised to see not a single glass or plastic bottle in it. Instead, there was all kinds of paper, coffee cups, food wrappers, etc. I can understand that a lazy and or stupid person, or perhaps a mentally handicapped person might place an item in the wrong hole, but I have trouble believing that everyone at the mall that day was there to undergo rehabilitation for a severe brain injury.

Anyway, I thought how nice it would be if we had Garbage Police to take names and tax the living crap out of these ignorant slobs. A side benefit would be that it would lower the taxes of the rest of us.

Q & A's from around the web

How can i get my fat hog of a girlfriend to lose weight before i dump her enormous behind?

If you cannot have sex anymore because you cannot get it up because of her size, that is not your fault. So when she finally asks "Why are we not having sex anymore?" tell her the truth. She will put the cheeseburger down and do something about it.

Q & A's from around the web

I saw a picture of my ex wife and she's as big as a house? I kind of feel sorry for her but part of me says her new husband deserves her the way she is now. Is it childish for me to think this?

A little. At least you don't wish her to get hit by a fricken train. I'm just sayin'.

It's quite common to feel that way if you parted on bad terms. Send her a letter. Ask her if she's been zoned as a separate address.

I think you're missing the point here. She's as big as a house? Maybe you should try to get back together with her. Install some big windows in the front. Improve the insulation and get central air conditioning. Add a fireplace. Maybe a nice patio. You could fix her up and have free shelter, or maybe even sell her for a profit. Now's the time to buy before property values go up again.

It's now official

The world has exhausted all possible aspects of creativity. There are no more good songs, movies, novels or TV shows being produced. The last nail in the coffin of novelty as we know it came in the form of a TV program.

While engaging in an evermore act of futility, namely surfing the breadth of the cable TV offerings, I came across a familiar face. It was the mug of Steve Davis. For those of you who are not familiar with Steve, or his visage, he was one of the best snooker players ever to poke balls with a stick.

You'll notice that I said was. You can guess that this day saw Steve without his trusty tool of the trade. What was Steve doing on TV, today, you ask? He was playing poker. And why do you suppose he was playing poker? Because having won world championships in snooker multiple times, he was looking for new challenges? I doubt it.

I did not rest on the particular channel very long, but I was there just long enough to learn that at least one of his opponents was also previously a successful snooker player. This leads me to believe that this was the theme of the program: washed-up-pool-players-who need-money-and-will-do-anything-to-make-rent.

Don't get me wrong. I am a big fan of both billiards and poker, but having watched every conceivable angle of poker on TV, little of it exciting, you have to draw the line somewhere. What's next? Danny Bonaduce and Shirley Jones square off in a wild game of strip poker? Was that the sound of your lunch hitting your keyboard?

Are you sitting down? The above scenario is not beyond what someone would think to put on TV. You see, Ms. Shirley Jones, aka the wholesome Mrs. Partridge of The Partridge Family fame, is about to "bare all" in an upcoming issue of Playboy. Did I mention that the old bird is 75 years old?



New York Post story.

On a more serious note...

glumbert - I Bet You Didn't Know This About Chickens

Crasher Squirrel

A cheeky squirrel in Alberta's Banff National Park has gone viral after stealing the spotlight in a tourist's photo.

Melissa Brandts, who was visiting from Minnesota, had set up her camera on a tripod to capture her and her husband, Jackson, in front of picturesque Lake Minnewanka in May.

"We had our camera set up on some rocks and were getting ready to take the picture when this curious little ground squirrel appeared, became intrigued with the sound of the focusing camera and popped right into our shot!" she wrote.

The ground squirrel became the focus of the picture as the couple faded into the background.

"A once in a lifetime moment! We were laughing about this little guy for days!" wrote his wife.


The couple submitted the photo to a National Geographic contest. The magazine posted it to an online gallery on Aug. 7.

In less than a week, the Crasher Squirrel, as it's become known, has stormed the internet. Photoshop enthusiasts have added the furry scene-stealer to family portraits, famous paintings, and even to the top of the Queen's hat with a pile of nuts.

The Crasher Squirrel upstages former U.S. president Bill Clinton and North Korean President Kim Jong Il with other government officials. (David Morgan/CBC)

Money as Debt

These videos will explain in an easy-to-understand way, how the current financial crisis came about, why it is unsustainable, and offers possibilities for the future. The average person has no idea how ridiculous the banking system really is. This is must viewing for anyone at all interested in their financial future.

This may make you feel like a genius

I was watching Who Wants to be a Millionaire, and one of the first, simple questions was:

Which of the following oceans is NOT crossed by the equator?

a) Atlantic
b) Pacific
c) Indian
d) Arctic

Amazingly, the contestant is stumped and blurts out "I'm not good at geography", then with just two seconds left on the clock, she says she wants to "Ask the audience".

How bad does one have to be at geography to not be able to answer this question? Think about it. One would have to either not have any idea where the equator is or think that the Arctic Ocean is possibly somewhere around the centre of the earth.

Funnier then werds

A comment on a stock market article:

dude there is standing rule in the market over the time (no buddy knows)

The Corporation

It's been a while since I posted and a lot longer still since the documentary "The Corporation" aired. I watched it for a second time this evening and think it is well worth watching for anyone at all interested in understanding what constitutes and permeates a large part of today's world. It may have a profound effect on your worldview and even if not, you will certainly learn something and gain an appreciation of a topic not often discussed at length. It is also sprinkled with light-hearted spots to keep your interest.

It has won several awards and was hailed by most critics as a very well done piece whether one agrees or not with it's somewhat partisan view. You can download it here. Please post your comments.

Note: If, after downloading, you have difficulties viewing it, you may want to try downloading codecs from here.

The future of...

...dressing rooms.

Top Ten List

...of scourges of mankind.

"honourable" mention - Drug dealers
10. Dentists
9. Doctors
8. Priests
7. Salesmen
6. Teachers
5. Mechanics
4. Engineers
3. CEO's
2. Lawyers
1. Politicians

Town besieged by cougars

The hunters became the hunted in a southern British Columbia town menaced in recent days by three cougars — two which had their baleful gazes fixed on children.

Last Friday, only the quick-thinking actions of a Princeton resident prevented two kids swimming in a river from a likely deadly attack.

The man, who lives near the river, saw the 16-month-old male feline stalking the children and shot it dead, with follow-up investigation by Mounties concluding the firearm discharge was warranted — not to mention life-saving, said Cpl. Dan Moskaluk.

“There’s certainly little question that he may have saved that kid’s life, one of them at least, because it probably would’ve scooped up one of them and taken off,” he said.

“When you see a cat in that mindset of watching prey, regardless of whether it’s a house cat or a cougar ... it must have been very unnerving for the guy looking out at the riverbank.”

The close call came less than two weeks after conservation officers killed a cougar prowling amongst campers in the town 790 km southwest of Calgary.

And if those two incidents weren’t enough to put Princeton residents on a claw’s edge of tension, yet more feline fear erupted the next day.

A decidedly bold big cat was spotted prowling at a town park, with a swimming pool full of children and six baseball teams, on Saturday afternoon.

A panicked resident ran to the nearby RCMP detachment, with officers quickly holstering up to deal with the hungry predator.

“The guy was pounding on the detachment door, all he could get out was ‘Cougar! Cougar! Cougar!’” said Moskaluk.

“As they were walking up to the park area, this thing was crouched down and it was watching them as they approached.”

The animal, a 16-month-old female, was also put down.

Making matters more unsettling is the fact the fearsome predators are not generally apt to wander into town, said Princeton Mayor Randy McLean.

“To hear about one around town is amazing, to hear about three is surreal ... it’s just so hard to fathom,” he said.

“I’ve lived here all my life, I hunt, I fish, I Ski-doo, I quad ... and I’ve seen one cougar in my life and that was on the highway at two in the morning.”

Police are warning residents to be alert and on the look-out for these dangerous predators pictured below.

On patience and knowing when to stop

Ripped from the headlines

From an Edmonton, Canada news story...

An Edmonton woman caught on video sexually abusing her baby and performing sex acts on a poodle was locked up yesterday after failing to show up for sentencing.

The 30-year-old, who cannot be named to protect her daughter's identity, also got a tongue-lashing from a judge.

A rather bad choice of words, wouldn't you say?

The story continues...

In another video, she is seen performing sex acts on a pet poodle. The dog kept running away.

How scuzzy looking do you need to be for a dog to reject you???

Story.

Sexy tiger

or is it a leopard?

Q & A's from around the web

My bff stool my man. what do i do?

go back to school a learn to spell

Political rant

Welfare fraud is perpetrated illegally by the poor and desperate. Tax avoidance is legally taken advantage of by the rich and affluent. "Loopholes" are mostly devised by the rich to help the rich. Let's get one other thing straight. I'm not naive enough to believe that things will change significantly in favour of the poor at the expense of the rich. Wealth in America, like guns in America will come from wherever it/they are most easy to be gotten.

The argument that jurisdictions where gun control has been enacted shows little or no gun-related crime decline is due simply because guns are brought in from other places. Unless you make it extremely difficult to get guns at all, be ready to bury your child, grandchild or yourself from taking a stray bullet.

It's the same story with wealth. I believe it was Maryland that enacted a "Millionaire" law in an attempt to tax the rich a little more. Surprisingly (to some), suddenly the number of filers with income over one million dropped by about one third. They're still wondering what happened to all those millionaires. You can be sure that they didn't suddenly experience a huge drop in their income. Some left the state, some hid money and others more adept at wealth building than I, came up with other methods to stay one step ahead of the tax man.

You can't force people to take care of their own families let alone strangers. For some unGodly, truly unGodly, reason, a lot of Americans are under the mistaken notion that it is possible to keep almost all of their earned cash with no ramifications at all. Why do you think that the streets are riddled with crime, junkies, hos, homeless? Why do you think that individuals and businesses need to barricade their premises like fortresses and spend big bucks on security officers and systems? Why do you think the insurance corporations are among the biggest companies in the world? This all costs everyone a ton of money. These are just some examples of where much of our money goes because we adamantly stick to the principle "I earned my money and no one should take any of it and give it to someone else". Guess what. You are giving it to someone else--just not the ones who need it!

You're giving it to the companies who make the products or provide the services I mentioned above. Then there's the cost of crime prevention, detection, analysis, pursuit, prosecution, incarceration, rehabilitation, etc. My dear, misguided soul--get it through your head and go forth and teach others that to a point, the less tax you pay, the more it costs you. There will always be those who for varied reasons can't or won't fend for themselves. To not help them through the distribution of wealth by means of taxation simply means that most of them will cost all of us even more money as they use more destructive ways to get what they need and want. The rest will waste away on the streets. Neither is a better alternative to higher taxes.

I have proved countless times that the countries with the most social programs have an overall better standard of living than the U.S. I will concede that the U.S. boasts more billionaires than any other country, but it also has more crime, pollution, drug addicts, prostitutes, inmates, homeless and just about any other negative aspect a society can have. It is a fact that paying more in taxes makes for a more productive, enjoyable, happy, safer life for all. The numbers don't lie. Unless you're Enron, Worldcom, Ebbers, Madoff, etc.

It is not incongruent for a staunch conservative who believes that one should be responsible for his own well-being to also believe in higher taxes for the purpose of more distribution of wealth. You're not necessarily doing it for others. You will gain as much from it as anyone. In fact, you will gain more. Money for most people is easy to come by. Safety, security, a clean environment and a life rich with culture and fulfilment are the rewards you will reap when you don't force people who for whatever reasons can't or won't otherwise live by mainstream rules. For each penny you give them willingly, it's one less penny they won't have to stab you for, or burglarize your home or business for, and make you pay for their stay in prison for, etc. You will pay one way or another. The only question is whether you want to do it in a way that ensures relative peace in society or turmoil.

Q & A's from around the web

um, i think i am really hairy down there. can anyone relate or help?

Personally I've started waxing (I do brazilian but you could do bikini) and trimming what is left. i don't use a hair remover cream or gel because it's just smelly

Hmm...that's like eating a skunk sandwich in the middle of a garbage dump and complaining about the smell of garbage.

Odd news

If a stranger sent you a post-dated cheque for $100,000 and a suicide note what would you do? It happened and the recipient calmly put the cheque in a safe until the date arrived and sure enough, the sender had committed suicide.

The oddest part of the story is how many times it repeated the opening sentence of the story--four times! The Story.

Everyone needs TLC sometime...

Thinking of moving?

The Economist Intelligence Unit (EIU) announced Monday that Vancouver is the best city in the world to live, followed by Vienna, Austria and Melbourne, Australia.
The EIU -- the business arm of the U.K.-based weekly economics magazine -- ranked the living conditions of 140 cities around the world based on five broad categories; stability, healthcare, culture and environment, education, and infrastructure.

With a rating of 98 out of 100, with one being "intolerable" and 100 being "ideal", Vancouver topped the charts, "benefiting from strong Canadian infrastructure," according to the study's authors.

Two other Canadian cities, Toronto and Calgary, ranked in the top 10. Toronto ranked fourth, followed by Perth, Calgary, Helsinki, and Geneva. Zurich and Sydney tied for ninth.

Story.

Vancouver:



Toronto:



Calgary:

This event has gone to the dogs

If you're a dog lover, don't miss North America's largest love-in for dogs, appropriately called Woofstock, taking place at Toronto's St' Lawrence Market next Saturday and Sunday (June 13-14). Meet like-minded people, enjoy some great food, enter your dog in some great contests, etc. For more information, click here.

Only in America

America, the (armed and) beautiful.

A Kentucky pastor is inviting his parishioners to bring their firearms to church in order to celebrate the Fourth of July. A gun will be raffled off and patriotic music will be played. How better to honour America's deep belief in God and weaponry?

The Story.

The war on sanity

Am I the only one who doesn't believe that North Korea is dangerous? Seriously, I don't know what all the hoopla is about. Does anyone actually believe that those in charge are anxious to have their country destroyed and for them to die an ugly death or be imprisoned for life? Does anyone not believe that would be the only possible result if they fired missiles at anyone? They aren't as loony as some would have you believe. Even if they were, I'm sure they're instinct for self preservation would trump any delusions they may have.

And the same thing goes for Iran.

When the U.S. spent trillions of dollars over decades on developing ridiculous numbers of nuclear weapons--enough to destroy the entire world many times over, I'm sure they didn't think of themselves as insane. But if today a country develops a single nuclear weapon, they're painted as individuals so unstable that they're apt to start a war with any of their neighbours at the drop of a hat. Give me a break. The United States has always been the most aggressive state since it's rise to power and even now should be feared more so than any other. If they can go to Iraq for no reason at all, what is beyond the realm of possibilities?

Not a bad return for 10 days!

I've been remiss posting about my stock transactions. I raved to you about Suntech (STP) in this space. It is a solar power component manufacturer. I bought some shares exactly 10 days ago at $12.61 (U.S.) and sold them a few minutes ago for $17.69.

I apologize for leaving you out of the loop and promise to do better. However, if you've been following me (and the stocks I've recommended), you would have picked some up. Other stocks I've had my eye on are:

Highveld Steel and Vanadium (HSVLY), a company in the quickly expanding South African economy
Tata Motors (TTM), Indian auto producer of the world's cheapest car
Seagate (STX) disk storage producer
Akamai (AKAM) internet data performance company
VMWARE (VMW) specialize in server virtualization
SOHU.com (SOHU) Chinese internet portal and gaming concern

Different fathers for pair of twins

Video

Gunfight at the OK Convention Centre

Hours before former U.S. presidents George W. Bush and Bill Clinton were scheduled to begin their "conversation" at downtown Toronto's Metro Convention Centre on Friday, dozens of protesters, cops and gawkers had gathered along Front Street to witness the historic meet-up. But the protesters, at least, had their sights on just one of the two men.

Resting against benches on the other side of the street from the convention centre were row upon row of placards decorated with pictures of Mr. Bush and the words "war crimes." Other protest signs carried the now-infamous picture of the hooded, electrode-laden Abu Ghraib prisoner in a crucifix pose. Members of the Toronto Coalition to Stop the War carried signs reading, "War criminals not welcome here." Another political group, Food Not Bombs, set up an impromptu buffet table on the street, featuring such delicious puns as "Condoleezza Rice" and "Chard (him with war crimes) stir-fry." Even local 1005 of the Steelworkers' Union got in on the act. Virtually every sign, cause and chant related to the 43rd, rather than 42nd president.

From today's news...

Canadians seem to know their politics. We like fornicators better than war criminals.

It was forty years ago, today...

Many people know that it was 40 years ago, today, on May 26, that John Lennon along with wife Yoko Ono, started his week-long bed-in for peace in Montreal. What most people don't know is that the couple spent the previous night at Toronto's King Edward hotel where a remarkable thing happened.

Then 14-year-old Jerry Levitan had heard that the famous Beatle had spent the previous night at the King "Eddie" and so armed with a Kodak Brownie and a crude, Super-8 movie camera incapable of sound, he was determined to find and interview Lennon. After knocking on a few random doors, a helpful hotel chamber maid directed him to the couple's room.

Unbelievably, Lennon allowed the boy in who immediately started snapping pictures. After a while, Lennon had to leave for a time, but young Levitan asked if he could come back when Lennon returned and tape an interview about peace that he could later play to his school mates. The young lad then must have been beside himself when Lennon agreed.

14-year-old Jerry Levitan interviewing Lennon at the King Edward Hotel May 26th, 1969


Here are a couple of excerpts from the interview:

Levitan went on to become a lawyer and filmmaker. His animated 2007 short, I Met the Walrus, based on about four minutes of his 30-minute interview with Lennon, was nominated for an Oscar.

Lennon left Toronto that night and flew with Ono to Montreal to begin their bed-in. They recorded Give Peace A Chance in their hotel room on June 1.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My tribute to John Lennon's "Imagine".

Window washing dominates news

Two window washers were stranded for almost two hours, 19 storeys above ground-level after the electrical wires of their lift became entangled with a sign and was pulled out of a socket, leaving them without electricity and unable to get back down.

The thing I found most interesting about this news story was the name of the reporter.

Don't forget to check the oil

If you wondered how bad the economic downturn is for the airline industry, here's a clue. This Air Canada pilot at Toronto's Pearson International Airport was spotted doing a chore normally performed by other staff.

Dead man walking!

Yesterday, I took the longest walk since my recent heart attack. I went about two miles (round trip) to re-fill one of my prescriptions. It was quite pleasant even if most of the way my nostrils were filled with car exhaust and for a short stretch the fumes of some solvent from a homeowner who was painting or something. The worst part of the trip was paying the almost $100 for a one-month supply of Lipitor. If the heart attack doesn't kill and you survive the hospital food, the cost of medication should do the trick. I hope I die soon--I can't afford the meds that are keeping me alive! Did I mention the side effects of taking five different drugs each day? I'm not sure if I mentioned it because one of the effects is being in a stupor. I think I used to be a fairly smart guy. Now, when there's a knock on my door, I open the refrigerator door. It wouldn't be so bad, but now I'm 20 pounds overweight and I need to go on diet pills I can't afford.

How messy does a room have to be to warrant a 9-1-1 call?

An Ohio man who argued with his grown son over a messy bedroom said he overreacted when he called 911. Andrew Mizsak called authorities Thursday after his 28-year-old son threw a plate of food across the kitchen table and made a fist at him when told to clean his room.

The son, also named Andrew, lives in a room in his parents' basement.

The father declined to press charges and told police he doesn't want to ruin his son's political career.

The son, who also works as a political consultant, said he's lucky to be living in the house rent free. He also promises to keep his room clean.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Editor's note: The story isn't funny enough on its own. Look at the comments it elicited...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The son, who also works as a political consultant, said he's lucky to be living in the house rent free."

Got to be a Democrat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"threw a plate of food across the kitchen table and made a fist at him when told to clean his room."

Hmmm... gets angry when confronted with the mess he's made - MUST be a Republican.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"He also promises to keep his room clean."

Must be Green Party.

Another difference of the sexes

I don't know why manufacturers of women's personal products have always felt so comfortable pushing their products in our faces. Men don't seem to need to have personal products advertised in order for them to select one and use it.

From the time that young girl first complained to her mother about not "feeling fresh", and her mother advising her to use Summer's Eve douche, such ads have had me shaking my head in disdain. Is it really necessary to show the applicator in a Tampax ad? The applicator of a yeast infection product? Puhlease.

The recent TV commercial for Monistat is about as tacky as they come, in my opinion. A woman dressed in her night clothes is seen standing in her bathroom with the apparent sound of a thunderstorm. As the camera pans toward the mirror she is standing front of, we see a look of concern on her face and that around her crotch are dark clouds and lightning bolts as the announcer says something like "Don't let a yeast infection get you down".

Cue the product package while extolling its amazing properties.

Suddenly, the woman is transported to her bright kitchen, smiling and enjoying a cup of coffee. The raging storm in her groin has been replaced by sunshine, birds singing and a rainbow. Oh, brother.

Strange creatures

I'm at this moment watching the Toronto Blue Jays beating up on the Chicago White Sox. "Doc" Halladay has just struck out his eighth batter trying to improve his record to 9 and 1 and for the team to extend their American League East lead. Last week, Doc beat the Yankees and his (Doc's) most excellent student of last year, A.J. Burnett. A.J. left the Jays at the end of last season after a terrific (I believe) 18-win season for a contract of about $80 million with New York.

But I'm not here to talk about Doc or the Jays or Burnett for that matter. A few minutes ago, I noticed something a bit strange and amusing. I've seen it many tmes but never really thought about it. If you've watched any baseball, you've probably seen it, too. A pitch was tossed into the dirt and immediately after the catcher caught it, he extended his glove back so that the umpire can take the ball. The umpire raised the ball toward his eyes and examined it. The thing is, every time they do that, they always discard the ball. I mean always. And yet, they consistently go through the ritual of having a look at it before doing so. Why bother? Why not cut out the middle man and have the catcher toss the ball aside? I guess it gives the umpire an air of superiority and power that only he can make the decision as to the fate of the ball. In reality, the decision is made the moment the ball hits the ground.

I'm thinking the gesture the umpire makes is sort of like the other useless habit many people have--the disgusting habit of examining the itsy bitsy piece of foreign material they pick out of any one of various orifices like the corner of their eye, their ear, or worst of all, their nose. Funny creatures, humans.

Canada defends north with Cannon

A bruhaha has been brewing at the North Pole. Canada's sovereignty has been repeatedly tested by a number of nations intent on using her northern waterways and even on making land grabs. The far north is believed to contain oil and mineral deposits and Russia has been posturing by planting a flag at the North Pole seabed and conducting aerial exercises in the region.

In reaction, Canada has been bolstering her military and coast guard presence. Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister Lawrence Cannon said Thursday that the Conservative government will strive to "work peacefully" with other polar nations but "will not hesitate to defend Canadian Arctic sovereignty." In February, two Russian bombers made an Arctic test flight, which Canadian military aircraft scrambled to intercept.

Stay tuned, kiddies. This cat and mouse game is not over. There is a lot at stake and it's anybody's guess where this goes.

Lois gets the better of Superman

Toronto-born original Superman artist, Joe Shuster, was supposedly meek and mild mannered like Clark Kent. But he, too, it seems, had a secret identity. Some accounts say that Joe and his co-creator, Jerry Siegel, sold the rights to their ultimate super hero to DC Comics for a mere $130.

To make ends meet, Joe Shuster took to drawing scenes of S&M porn in the same style as characters Clark Kent, Lois Lane, etc. The 16-volume series was titled "Nights of Horror. Now, author Craig Yoe has published an illustrated hardcover covering the story, called Secret Identity: The Fetish Art of Superman's Co-creator Joe Shuster (Manda, $27.50). The story surrounding the artist's descent into sadomasochistic pornography is bizarre even as a comic-book tale.

Here's a sample of Joe Shuster's dalliance. Maybe this is the kind of scene Joe had always envisioned Superman and Lois Lane in.

Beach wedding in Jamaica (not mine) need help with a dress. 36DDD, 5'7, 140, and no where or time to shop in my area so need to find something online. If you can point me to something, please send links.

Would YOU like to get married in Jamaica? ;)

Editor's note: a few minutes later, this was posted...

I see from your profile that you're currently married.

Editor's note: a few minutes later, this was posted...

Would divorce be totally out of the question?

Even better than a bottle of Muscatel

So, where can one expect to find the best Chardonnay in the world? In Canada, of course. In a blind taste test, wine experts chose a wine produced right here in Ontario's Niagara region over bottles from France, California, Australia and New Zealand, using such flattering terms as "well-contained opulence" and "fine spicy finish."

"This proves you can do wonderful things in Canada" said French-born Don-Jean Léandri, who has been a sommelier for 30 years and participated in the taste test organized by Cellier magazine. He said the results should have French winemakers looking over their shoulders.

The Chardonnay judged to be the finest is the 2005 vintage of Claystone Terrace Chardonnay. It sells for $37.50 in Quebec, but unfortunately, is sold out in Ontario. The news item did not mention any other sources.

On "popular" culture

I wouldn't recognize Beyonce if she fell on me.

I couldn't pick out a single Goo Goo Doll out of a police lineup.

If my life depended on it, I couldn't name even one rap song.

The only desperate housewife I've ever known was my ex-.

Except for Susan Boyle, the name/image of no other Idol contestant resides in my brain.

Reality TV has never occupied my reality.

I consider the above quite an accomplishment.

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Mine that Bird!

Did you hear about the Kentucky Derby winner? It was won by a Canadian-bred horse (Mine that Bird) that looked like it had no chance at all. I was at Toronto's Woodbine Raceway and before the race, I remarked to the guy beside me that if I could bet for a horse to finish last, that would be my pick. Not only did he win--he went from almost last to first in the slop and finished about seven lengths ahead of the second-place horse. He went off at 50-1. Days before, the horse was racing at a "B" track in New Mexico where he couldn't even beat those nags. I thought for sure that shortly after the race, it would be announced that he was disqualified for being juiced.

If you look at the video, he made champion horses look like they were standing still.The horse was bought (I think as a yearling) by Woodbine trainer David Cotey for (are you ready for this?) $9,500. Compare this to the $million+ paid for other Derby contenders. The horse won three stake races as a two-year-old at Woodbine and was named top two-year-old in the country. Cotey sold the animal for about $450,000 to Americans. He raced only twice before the Derby as a three-year-old at Sunland Park in New Mexico, finishing second and fourth. The connections were dreaming in technicolour when they decided to enter him in the Derby. The new trainer hauled the horse with his pickup truck for 21 hours to Churchill Downs. If you ask me, the race was an unrepeatable miracle.

Let's see what he does in the Preakness and or Belmont. Here's the video. You can hear the announcer say during the backstretch run that Mine that Bird is well back from the rest of them. As the field nears the final turn, watch for a horse coming through along the rail...

Heidi and Spencer's (and Vinny's not so) big adventure

Suddenly, I was hearing reference after reference to Heidi and Spencer's wedding. After about a week of this, I finally decided to try and find out who the heck these "celebrities" that I've never heard of are. After a few searches, reading articles and viewing videos, I learnt who they are. Now, I'm wondering why they are.

In the old days, many very talented people never had the luck to become a household name. It seems to me that these days, the most extraordinarily ordinary people are given (at least) five minutes of fame. If you have any aspirations of greatness at all, don't give up. You will surely get a chance. By the way, it seems to help if you're shallow, annoying and act like you're the greatest thing since the internet.

Q & A's from around the web

Ok, Well I am taking AP classes next year, and I always have a fear the teacher will say "Are you in the write class?" This is a more advanced English class. Honest question, to all races. If you saw a Black girl in an AP class, what is the first thing to pop up in your mind?

Wow she must be really smart to be hear.

Editor's note: Who said today's youth have trouble with English?

The Horror Part II

I forgot to mention in Part I that they also gave me a couple of injections in the abdomen, just for fun. I also forgot to mention the joy of not being able to wash/clean/shave/shampoo very well if at all while you have an IV stuck in your wrist or the inside of your elbow.

Before you have time to get over "Angiogram Day", it's "Angioplasty Day". I've never been in an ambulance, but I imagine the ride is much smoother than the transport vehicle used to shuttle me to and from the hospital specializing in performing angioplasty procedures. It didn't bother me very much on the way there, but coming back was a pain in the...back. I'll explain in a bit.

An angioplasty is a procedure to repair damage that shows up on an angiogram. It is done in two possible ways:

a) A balloon is inflated (and subsequently deflated) at a site where an artery is restricted in order to allow better blood flow.

b) A stent (tube/sleeve) is positioned at a restricted site to prevent it from future blockage.

I had one of each. You may be awake (as I was) during the procedure and the pain in the chest is very similar to a heart attack. I felt it for about the next 24 hours.

As soon as they finished, a nurse came by and said "Oops" and proceeded to describe the egg-sized balloon in my groin that had formed because of some problem with removal of the catheter. She managed to resolve this not uncommon occurrence by pressing on it with all her weight for about the next twenty minutes. Do I need to mention that it wasn't pleasant? Ouch.

Now, began the four hours of lying perfectly still on your back. As they rolled me out to the transport vehicle, my back was already starting to hurt. The bumpy ride back to the original hospital through rush hour traffic wasn't pleasant or scenic as all I could see in my position were light standards. As we neared (I asked) our destination, I was silently praying that the pain in my back that was now slowly gathering at my kidney just like the day before, did not reach Level 10 before they got me to my room.

I was in bed with only minutes to spare before I had to ask for a shot of morphine for the pain. Two more days of misery were endured before I was discharged.

You do not want to go through such an experience. It doesn't help, either that I now must take five different medications daily at a cost of about $450 per month for the rest of my life.

While going between hospitals, I spoke to the attendants about the falling average age of heart attack victims. They confirmed that large numbers of people in their thirties and even some in their twenties are falling victim to coronary disease and heart attacks. Obesity is one contributing factor. Today's sedentary lifestyles that keep people glued to TV and or a PC instead of getting out and exercising is another.

Heed my advice. You don't need to make a wholesale change today. Take small steps. Reduce your fat intake. Take more frequent walks. Eat more fruit and veggies. If you think it'll put a crimp in your lifestyle, you might want to consider that a heart attack will put a much bigger crimp in it...if you're lucky.

I just realized that I left out one of the best parts of my ordeal. The morning I was to check out, for no apparent reason, my nose started bleeding. I may have blown it--not sure, but there certainly was no picking involved. Anyway, I used a few kleenex, tried the old plug up the nose trick, but to no avail. I finally call the nurse and she gives me more and more kleenex, and then a cloth with cold water, advised me to tilt my head back, etc. Still, it won't stop. They wheel me down to emerg, a doctor comes in and proceeds to shove some kind of thick wadding so deep inside my nasal cavity that it feels like it's half way down my throat. I've never been so uncomfortable in my life. I couldn't breath well, speak well, swallow well--it almost felt like I was choking. I didn't even bother to tell you how it hurt when he unexpectedly shoved it in in one fell swoop. I imagine it to be comparable to having a large penis shoved all at once into a virgin. Unfortunately, for me, I didn't get an orgasm out of the deal. Hell, I didn't get dinner or a movie.

 

I ask how long I must endure this misery and he thinks for a second and then says "Come back Monday". It was Friday. That was the longest long weekend I ever spent. It was driving me crazy. Imagine having a partial birth and then going home for three days before coming back to deliver the thing stuck between your legs.

 

Monday finally comes and I'm in the hospital waiting to have the demon exorcised from my face. How was I to know that the evil lodged in my head would hurt five times more exiting than it did entering? Yowsa! I guess the batting had secured itself in there to the blood and the walls of my nasal cavity and as the wicked snake was slowly pulled out, it did not want to let go. The relief I felt when it was finally out was similar to that spent feeling after a rigorous lovemaking session. But again, without the pleasure.